Am I being cruel?

Question

My husband and I have been together a decade, since we were teens. We have 2 children and trying for a third.
I've known since I met him that he had a porn issue - we both watched it almost daily. Once we moved in together, we mutually decided to quit. 
He had trouble with this as he's been exposed to porn since he was 8-9 and found it more like a coping mechanism after being sexually assaulted as a child.
He relapsed many times in the early years - and lied to cover it up. Eventually I told him it was therapy or we split because I would support him through this addiction but only if he got help.
He's now been on therapy and antidepressants and hasn't relapsed since 2020. We have blockers on his phone, he lets me check it, he enjoys therapy and we have an active sex life. 
He recently had an overnight work trip. I had a funny feeling and he said he hadn't done anything. I ended up finding out he had in fact been playing this AI text based erotica book game. 
He told me he realized it was a dumb idea to even think of relapsing even if there was no pictures or videos, so he got off the game and was going to tell me in a few days when he gathered his thoughts so he lied about it. He said it was embarrassing and he felt ashamed for it and he was stressed being away from home. He told me high stress levels is a really big trigger for him and he hasn't relapsed since 2020. 
I basically shamed him for this and went off at him. My best friend who has had an addiction before with alcohol, said that I need to be supportive and understanding or he won't come to me at all. She said it's great progress he has gone years without a relapse and if I want him to be honest I need to support him and be a safe space and not shame him.
Was I in the wrong?

Accepted Answer

You were absolutely wrong. You know that he used it as a coping mechanism due to him being sexually assaulted. Sounds like he’s being treated like a child with the checking his phone and what not.. I honestly don’t understand the problem with porn unless it interferes with the sex life 🤷🏾‍♀️ I feel like you need to be more supportive, shaming him won’t do anything but make him feel worst about himself or even make him watch it again.

Answer

To shame your husband! Absolutely! What the hell is wrong with you?

Answer

It certainly sounds as if you have your own share of problems with it and you could use some therapy for yourself.

Answer

Yes you should be supportive instead of going off on him make yourself a safe person to come to. You could have said you don't need to lie about it you can tell me if you're struggling and I'll try my best to help you get through it. He lied because he can't come to you withought you being angry. He didnt even watch anything. He stopped himself from doing it but as with any addiction it's hard and there will be temptation. He will keep lying and not coming to you when he's struggling if you react with anger.

Answer

Yes you’re cruel for shaming him. You’re not his mother and even if you were it’s the wrong approach. In what way do you find shaming him and being cruel to be helpful? ￼

Answer

I feel like you’re being incredibly controlling and he deserves better.

Answer

Listen we all make mistakes so take it as a learning opportunity. You have every right to have emotions and no one should make you feel bad for sharing your feelings. These things go both ways. But there's always a better way to communicate and express our disappointments. I think his case is very sensitive so the support Avenue is the right way. People don't just get over trauma but find ways to cope. His became an addiction and now he's getting professional help, it won't be automatic switch off but years of temptation and moments of potential or actual relapse. 
 Tell him you were shocked and handled the situation in a way you didn't intend and that you support his progress. Addiction is a lifelong thing and sometimes you'll have relapses, the idea is not to shame or blame the person. Continue to support, thank him for sharing the information, and tell him not to lie but rather call you or his therapist when those low moments reappear.
Rooting for you both!

Answer

Well, let me be the first to say your feelings are valid and I don’t think him necessarily watching or reading porn or porn-fiction is the problem I think him lying is the problem.. but, from the way you react to things I’m only assuming he doesn’t feel like he can tell the truth or be open and honest because he will be berated for it.. he sounds like a guy who is trying and addiction isn’t something someone can usually just get through with a blink of the eye.. there will be relapses and you have to choose to either stick with him and see him through this addiction storm or choose to walk away. My husband and I aren’t porn watchers but if he was to watch porn I wouldn’t be upset unless it interferes with our own sex life..

Answer

Exactly. Couples have different rules and what eachother are comfortable with or not but considering the fact they both were watching it at one point .. why did it become bad only when she stopped watching it? & what’s really the big deal?

Answer

Yes. Sorry to say, you were wrong. I can understand why you are upset but if you want him to come to you for support than you can’t judge him.

Am I being cruel?

The Top Baby Tracker App: Embrace New Beginnings with Tender Care

The Top Fertility Tracker App: Your Path to Achieving Pregnancy

The Top Pregnancy App: Nurturing Your Journey to Motherhood

The Top Period Tracker for Empowering Your Menstrual Health Journey