I don’t know where to post this because I do want to rant but I also just want someone to hear me out… Although I haven’t been diagnosed yet, I’ve looked into it for years and very deeply. I am not 99% sure i have BPD, I’m 110% sure. I’m not sure why but my therapy appointments keep getting canceled and all I want is to just be diagnosed at this point. I feel like I don’t know who I am or how I want to be because I feel like I’m constantly changing my interests, my likes, my dislikes, my mindset, my style, etc based on the person I’m talking to. For example, I’ve always been with guys who are accepting of girls no matter what but recently met a guy that likes girls to not wear such revealing clothes, not talk to many guys, etc. All of a sudden I feel like I’m not good enough and I’m trying to change that and make myself fit into his checklist of what he looks for. Another guy in the past has changed my style completely and the way I think. This is not healthy because then when I don’t have anyone I’m dating, I feel so lost because I don’t know what I actually like or dislike or what I want.

I fall in love so quick because as soon as I see a guy that just looks like the type I like, I imagine my whole future with them but really when you take it as it is, they aren’t really showing me anything to imagine it’s just all in my head and what I make up. It’s crazy because somehow I can quickly get detached from them but as soon as they decide to stop talking to me I get depressed and think what’s wrong with me? Why am I not enough?

Writing these things out doesn’t seem too bad and sometimes I honestly feel like there’s nothing wrong with me and this may just be normal(?) But when you live it and are constantly going back and forth with yourself, you feel it.