HE GAVE ME WHAT 🤮 part 2

First off, thank you ladies for all your kind words on my first post about this topic. It really means a lot 💜 My mind has been all over the place lately just trying to decide what is best for me and my children. After the whole std incident we didn’t have any other cheating issues and have came a long way. However there’s something in my mind that just won’t let me forget it. I’m to the point now where I can control the anger and I don’t say much to him about it, but the thought is still there. I just feel like he betrayed me when I was most vulnerable after giving birth and I feel so hurt still. I feel like sometimes I try to hard to be the girl he wants even if it’s not something I’m into, because I’m just scared it’s going to happen again. He says little things here and there if I’m overthinking about him going places, cheating, etc. such as “why are you so worried about the next girl, your gonna speak it into existence” or “do your duty and you’ll never have to worry about getting cheated on” he often times tells me things are getting boring, gets mad if I’m not feeling like giving him head, or calls me lame and other names. I’ve learned to just brush it off because I used to get super upset about the things he would say and I didn’t wanna do that to myself anymore. He told me he only says things like that to motivate me to be better… kinda weird considering he knows my history of depression and anxiety- it’s not motivation to me and I’ve explained that. We haven’t been arguing lately because I’ve been making sure I “please” him multiple times a day. Besides him getting mad about being sexually frustrated things are fine between us. We laugh, go places, have fun & he is a good dad. My mind just wanders a lot and sometimes I think if we were to breakup I don’t know how I’d ever be with someone else I feel like my mindset is so shot from the things he’s said to me. It’s really worn me down. This app is my safe space so I really appreciate all the comments and things! I’ve never told my family or friends any of this so it’s nice to get it off my chest 💜