I’ve never been so low, thought I could sleep it off but I can’t

I was drinking yesterday cuz I felt like shit. Had 1 1/2 of those big modelos you get from the gas station. Then I met up with a friend at a bar, didn’t wanna mix thought cider would be okay. 2 1/2 of those

For a little bit I was okay

Then at some point I was in the bathroom puking my guts out.

I don’t even remember going in the last time, but the bartender came to say they were closing and to bring me water. When I opened the stall to take it I ended up puking right in front of her. Then my friend was in the bathroom outside the stall waiting, listening while I tried to clean up. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t say anything. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole, but I had to leave with him because the bar wouldn’t let him leave without me. I couldn’t even look at him.

I told my parents I wouldn’t be gone super late, I left the bar at 1145pm. It should’ve only taken 25 minutes to get home

When I came to it was 130am and I’d almost smacked into someone with my car from driving on the wrong side of the road going outside the city for what I can only assume was to get a view of the moon in a part of town I’ve never been. I had no idea where I was or how I got there but I was now 30 minutes from my house. Almost 2 hours completely unaccounted for. When I finally got home I puked in the driveway

I don’t know what to do, I don’t even want to be conscious right now. I probably embarrassed the hell outta my friend, I don’t know if I can ever show my face at that bar again. I could apologize over and over but that doesn’t make any of it better. He probably never wants to speak to me again. 2 hours no clue what I was doing. The thought is so terrifying to me

I don’t even know how to explain why I came home so late or where the hell I was at because I have no fucking idea. There’s vomit all over my fucking clothes. If my friend never talks to me again I couldn’t get mad. This is so fucked, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror I’m so disgusted with everything I see looking back at me. I hate everything about what happened, and I can’t believe I allowed things to unravel in such an obscene manner. I could’ve killed someone, I almost did. How am I supposed to go on after some bullshit like this knowing this is the kind of filth that inhabits the person I am?