It's coming up to the 1 year anniversary of the woman I should've viewed as a grandma. My grandads second wife. Non-bio related.

And I just know my sister is gonna cry because thats what she did when we sat side by side at the hospital with her as she was dying. Doctors had come over that day saying the op she needed to possibly help her couldn't be done. All that was left was to be near her. I felt like a monster, sat there dried eyed whilst my sister sobbed. I thought to myself "really? No tears?" But I knew why. I had cried plenty. I cried when she told me to stop eating because I was too fat at the age of 5. I cried when she said I needed to go on a diet because otherwise I would never be beautiful like my sister. I cried when she sent her mentally ill son upstairs to me to threaten to beat me for not keeping my cousins quiet, saying he'd smash my head in when I was 9 because I couldn't stop the kids (one 5 months younger the other 2 years younger) because she had a headache. When my sister got to travel the world with her and my grandad and I was left home. When she told me she smack me if her wardrobes got finger prints on the mirror. So many more "when" situations flying in my mind. A lot less than my sister ever got. I could see her to offer some comfort for her but she wasn't getting more tears.

I didn't begrudge my sister her tears though. We just had different lives with the woman. Whilst she had often used my sister in my trauma I never resented my sister for it. But my sister herself seems to forget we didn't get good times with her like she did. And I fear she will resent the dry eyes she'll see come 21st of December, and act like it's wrong. She did when very few turned up to scatter grandads ashes because she happily forgot a lot of them was driven away by his wife so went NC. She can't remember other people will feel differently