Am I in the wrong?

Question

So I found out I was pregnant right before Christmas and my husband and I thought it’d be a perfect surprise for the family since nobody would be expecting it. Well In October my husband’s sister miscarried her second pregnancy and took it really hard, so I told him I had a feeling that this was going to upset her and well Christmas Eve comes and we announced it and she was shocked and then she started crying and went to hide off somewhere and a few family members went to comfort her and in the moment I felt bad but this was something so exciting for us since the doctor told us we’d have a 12% chance of getting pregnant on our own. On Christmas Day we announced it to his other side of the family and she didn’t say congratulations or nothing she just sat there quietly and wouldn’t talk to me or make eye contact with me and I feel bad and i feel guilty for being this happy that I’m the one pregnant.

Accepted Answer

No, you’re not in the wrong to be happy about your pregnancy, but your SIL has every right to be upset nor is she obligated to congratulate you or be happy for you as she’s still grieving a miscarriage that happened only 2 months ago. I think it wouldve been more considerate of you to tell her in private rather than putting her in an awkward spot in front of a crowd of people

Answer

Im sorry but I disagree with that decision. You could have either announced on a different day than a major holiday, or given her a heads up by phone the day or 2 prior. But to blindside her....in front of everyone....on a holiday? When her loss is still so fresh? I dont think that was right. We conceived our 2nd meanwhile my SIL was struggling with infertility. Yes we still announced with joy, but we called her and told her by phone first to allow her a chance to process that privately. She ended the call quickly and Im sure was crying, and she avoided us for a bit. We then happily announced soon after telling her. I didnt want to put her in the position of getting that stomach punch shock feeling and crying in front of others....how embarassing for her, and I dont want to be the source of that kind of memory if theres something I can do to mitigate that.

Answer

I don’t think your wrong, but you knew she had recently miscarried and was struggling with it. Maybe insensitive is a better word? You are allowed to be more than happy and announce your pregnancy however and whenever you wish. However, you could have given her a heads up or taken her aside. It just seems kinda wrong to do something that you knew had the potential to make her upset.

Answer

You’re not wrong. Every baby should be celebrated! However, I’ve been through multiple miscarriages myself so I know how she feels. It’s so hard to be happy for someone getting what you want when it’s so fresh. Her being upset doesn’t mean she’s not happy for you though, it’ll just take her some time. 
I do believe you should’ve told her privately a couple days before though. My SIL had 2 miscarriages while we were trying for our 2nd baby. Once we were ready to tell people we were pregnant, we called her before anyone else so she could process it on her own and be okay when we announced to everyone else.

Answer

I've had 4 miscarriages so I understand how your SIL is feeling. But you have every right to be happy and excited about your pregnancy, you also have every right to announce your pregnancy how you want to like everyone else does. Yes, your SIL has been through something awful but that should not cloud your pregnancy, it's not your fault. Are you expected to walk on eggshells around her and not enjoy your pregnancy? Not reveal the gender? Or have a baby shower? No, you enjoy EVERY minute of this wonderful journey and share anything you wish to.

Answer

You’re not wrong at all and deserve to celebrate and announce. Show her some empathy though because she’s clearly not over her loss - it’s not personal to you, she would react this way no matter who announced.

Answer

It sounds like you were trying to purposely hurt your sil. Do you have a problem with her or are you otherwise jealous of her as a person or her life somehow? I couldn’t help but feel like the kind thing to do was to obvi pull her aside or at the least call this woman. The day or two before and tell her the news so she didn’t have an outburst like that. She prob feels like a complete moron. But also, don’t be shocked if she does something equally as unkind back to you some day when your at your lowest or more vulnerable feeling. When it’s you who is grieving a loss or some other life tragedy don’t be surprised when she doesn’t give one single f about your feelings and also, might attempt to get some revenge. Just a heads up to you.

Answer

NO. You are absolutely NOT wrong. As sad as it is when someone has a pregnancy loss we can not alter our life just for them. You all don't have to hide your excitement and not announce your pregnancy just because someone had a loss. She is going through a hard time and it may take her quite a while to not feel hurt over your pregnancy but it is NOT because you all did anything wrong. When a woman has a loss she usually feels hurt and anger towards other people close to her who become pregnant and it's not personal it's just that she lost her baby and seeing someone else get to have a baby hurts but again that's not your fault and you have no obligation to tip toe around her and sugar coat your pregnancy.
I'm so sorry for her and congratulations to you!

Answer

You know you're wrong or you wouldn't be looking for validation. I believe you have every right to be excited about your pregnancy and also announce any way you like. The brutal part was you knew how hard it was on her as you stated in your explanation and yet you blindsided her on a holiday that is very child oriented in front of family. I can't imagine being so thoughtless to not give her a heads up. I am sure she is now not only incredibly hurt but also humiliated.

Answer

I've had 4 miscarriages and all of those were close to Christmas. The fear of going to something like that thinking someone is going to announce their pregnancy is almost crippling. I personally would have been devastated and would have preferred my sister in law to come and tell me in private before the event, so I could process my feelings in private. Any type of heads up. Which isn't going out of your way too much, it's just a little respect. And then you could have announced your beautiful news to everyone and she would feel like she's a part of the celebration like everyone else. If she's like me, she will be pissed that you put her in that position where her emotions got the better of her, she'd be embarrassed and she'll also be angry at herself that she's finding it hard to be happy for you. If she's still not talking to you and you care about her I would suggest just talking to her about it, in private though 😉 
I don't think you did the wrong thing to announce your pregnancy to everyone though, it's wonderful news and the best time to do it with everyone already there 🥰 congratulations! I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy 💐

Am I in the wrong?

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