I dont think my husband is sorry

My husband had an affair while traveling a few years ago. He says he only kissed her and thought he was falling in love with her because his feelings were genuine without sex. I was so devastated to say the least. We decided to make things work, he apologized many times but honestly 4 years later i am still on edge. I realized why its been so hard to move on from this, in some of our big arguments he told me, this is the very reason he left. Today we had a fight and he told me not to push him to go back where she was. A few times Ive caught him fallowing instagram pages full of women specifically from that country. I know its totally to hurt me on purpose. I know i deserve better but its so hard to move on. And i am very afraid he will go back to her. I went through such a dark place when he wanted her, at times i felt like killing myself because the pain was too much. He kept wanting her for a year and only stopped when i finally left him and moved out. I dont know why i even care anymore. Im just so afraid of being heart broken again specifically with a person from that place. I know i sound like a idiot, maybe its trauma idk