Hi, so I(22F) have been with my husband(21M) since we were both 15 and married for a year. I’m a few months older than him but it feels like I’ve married a child. It wasn’t always like this, but I realize that it wasn’t like this because we were only dating and not always around each other. Now that we are married and around each other 24/7, I honestly am fed up.

I’ve tried talking to him about how I feel and what’s on my mind however it seems like every time I do, it becomes an argument. I will admit that not everything is his fault as I have communication issues due to issues in my past but have been working on them. When I started working on my own issues, I recognized issues in him that I had never fully noticed before due to the rose love tinted glasses.

He has major communication issues such as, not communicating at all, being dismissive in deep conversations, and tends to lean more towards yelling/cursing rather than just talking because it’s what he learned and saw growing up in his family. He doesn’t have any form of emotional intelligence or knowledge of how to address his emotions and no matter how much I tell him that we need yo see a counselor or go to marriage counseling.

I also have emotional problems but mine are more so due to depression, other mental health issues, and health issues. My communication issues are that I can’t fully express how I feel or I tend to downplay it, I tend to either close off any communication or blow up over things I’ve held in, and I get really quiet when things hurt me and never admit to being hurt. I have been trying to admit when things are wrong with me but don’t or haven’t in months because it feels like I’m never listened too.

But I just feel like things won’t change for the better as for me, they’ve only gotten worse. I hate him touching me because all of his “loving” touches are sexually geared and then he either gets annoyed or finds it funny. I hate his kisses, I feel like they are sloppy now and most of the time he doesn’t kiss me, he’ll lick me..like an actual dog. Then finds it funny when I say it messes with my sensory issues. And sex is honestly just nonexistent at this point because I don’t feel sexually attractive/attracted to him anymore, because he watches too much porn which I internally compare myself to(i.e the girls he watches all look better than me). Now don’t get me wrong, I could care less that he watches it because that’d be hypocritical of me as I watch it myself. It’s just that he lied about it for so long and yet continues to lie or tell me when I bring it up that I have a problem with the fact that he watches it AFTER sex, he says, “that sounds like a personal problem” is what makes it an issue and why I’m not attracted to him anymore while also getting annoyed at me for bringing it up in the first place. Now he wonders why I don’t ever bring up any issues i have with him and said he refuses to “hold my hand” to get me to express my feelings. I just feel like i can’t because it always starts arguments when all I wanted to share my emotions.

Honestly it just sucks that I couldn’t see past the glasses to notice all of this when I was younger and now that we’re married, he’s gotten so comfortable with it that he doesn’t ever do anything. He’s not romantic the way I’ve told/explained what romantic means in my eyes(says it’s too much and not realistic), he doesn’t try to understand my love language(while i know all three of his; touch, quality time, and sex), he refuses to try and change/see there’s something wrong(has told me that he won’t change), and all he does is play video games and watch porn. Barely helping me around the house or with our dog, saying “he’s your dog” like um no…he’s our dog. Now I can’t stand when he touches me, kisses me, and all I feel is contempt.

I’m not going to leave him so if you are going to comment that, just don’t. I just needed to rant and vent. Thank you for reading though. Also for anyone wondering, yes he’s my first love and we were each other’s first everything - except first kiss on my side.