I want to start off with stating don’t be alarmed. I already went to a mental facility sent by my therapist to be evaluated if I needed to stay or not. And the doctor decided I am okay. I did have another suicidal episode. This time no attempt just thoughts. But the feeling of me wanting to jump haven’t left. I don’t want to die but I know if I get that off my chest I will feel better. I have the urge to feel free, I want to fall from really high up. High enough to feel the adrenaline take over, loud enough to stop all my thoughts and just focusing on surviving. I crave that. I’ve been craving that for months now. There’s no bungee jumping near me since I live in Texas. Or at least none outdoor and high enough. I’ve felt this feeling before. When I bungee jumped at camp when I was a teenager, that was the first time I felt depression leave my body. Those few seconds of me falling was everything to pause my mind and body from taking over. And every time I’m stuck I itch for that feeling. There’s one other time I felt that feeling, it was my first suicide attempt when I was younger. I tried to drown myself in a lake near my home at the time. I jump in and the pressure of the water in my ears while I was going down gave me that release and silence, to stop my mind. I felt myself running out of breathe but I didn’t care I would of gave everything to hold onto that peace. I did give everything for that peace. Till a sheriff jumped in and pulled me out. I haven’t been able to go underwater since that happened 6 years ago, I’m scared if I go under I can’t force myself to come back up.

I know this is tmi and might be too deep but I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. Me and my significant other is a mess, it’s failing so now it’s all about the kids I can’t talk to him about anything. I’m not comfortable with him being my safe space anymore. I’m desperate to fix this problem and make the feeling go away. Any advice would be helpful.