I want to leave my husband… I think? TW

I am so conflicted and honestly, feeling retraumatized.

I’ll try to make this as short as possible.

Another TW

My husband and I met at 12, got together when we were 18, and ended up pregnant at 19. Once I became pregnant, his family went absolutely nuts. They’re very fundamental Christian but are awful people (rules for thee but not for me). “Pastors”, run a church business that I worked for. The works. Basically they made my life absolute hell. I ended up having to quit working there.

Once I left I realized I was basically in a cult. I ended up losing most of my friends, my job, my savings, any sense of stability or safety. They’d harass me, stalk me, threaten me, berate me, lie about me (one was claiming I broke into their house??). I never did ANYTHING to them.

They essentially wanted my then boyfriend to leave me, me to disappear in shame and they can go back to their perfect family image.

We’d fight often over it and he blamed me for basically everything, for a solid few years actually. For a couple weeks while I was pregnant he did ghost me while he “thought about things” and then he eventually came back. It was awful but I was so so young and very scared of being a single mom. I did love him.

I already had a lot of abandonment trauma. My dad committed suicide when I was almost 6 and my mom almost immediately unknowingly married a convicted pedophile. Google in 2002 was very different. I witnessed DV. Experienced a divorce. I was then later SAd again. So I already had boundary issues and trauma.

Anyway. Over the next few years it was rough. I went and finished college while also working and raising my son. Taking care of my household, paying bills. My boyfriend did work but that was about it.

Then it’s like he hit 22/23 and snapped out of it. He apologized to me, told me I never did anything wrong and he should have taken my side to begin with. Admitted they were horrible, and realized they abused him his whole life. He cut his family off. He grew, changed, matured. He took over half the household duties. He thrived in a new career, makes decent money. I quit working and finished college. We got married and had another baby. It’s not perfect but it’s nice.

We were happy. We’ve been together over 8 years now.

Then I realized I wasn’t? I am so conflicted. I ended up having a sport accident and had to have a knee reconstruction - it was a horrible experience, and I ended up spending an extra 3 days in the hospital for complications. Bed ridden for about a month and still can’t walk properly. I have to have another procedure soon.

I had a lot of time to think and process things. It’s shocking what experiences like this make you realize. I am not that happy. I am still living with the effects of our first years together. His family members blowing up my phone, cornering me in a bedroom to yell at me, being followed in town. Threatened to be jumped while pregnant. He never stood up for me.

He still doesn’t make much effort. He’s tired, maybe depressed? He spent a lifetime with those sickos. But he hasn’t planned a date in probably… 3 years? We rarely have a deep conversation. He plans things with friends but ignores me. He dotes over our kids and I love that, but I’d like something too. I want someone who talks to me out of want and not obligation. Who involves himself in my life in at least some aspects. Someone to do fun things with. I’m very lonely.

I just want to be happy. I worry there’s too much history between us for either of us to ever be connected in a healthy way. We are in marriage therapy, and I’m in individual therapy, but if anything it makes me more apt to look towards separation.

I really have zero unbiased parties to talk to. Help?