I’m not sure how to cope anymore

Posting anonymously because I think she’s on here and the last thing that I want to do is make her upset or feel bad.

I have one child- a one year old boy. Before him, I lost two babies and I lost another after him. I took me several years of infertility to be placed on Letrozole. I have had several failed rounds of Letrozole after a miscarriage in May of 2023. I cannot seem to get pregnant even after doubling the dosage. I’m coming up on the due date for my 3rd pregnancy in 2 days and am very distraught as I am terrified that I will not get pregnant and stay pregnant again.

I just found out today that my cousin is pregnant with her 3rd. It seems that every time I have a loss or am trying (and failing) to get pregnant, she does it so easily. I have a long family history of young and healthy pregnancies, I am the only one in my family to have ever suffered a loss.

I feel TERRIBLE about it, but this cousin did not want children. She loves the two she has, but she is kind of neglectful of them, her animals, and her home. I do not think she should have more children although I love the ones that she has so much and I know I’ll love this one as well.

But I’m really struggling to cope right now and almost feel like I am spiraling.

Why can I not get pregnant?

Why can I not STAY pregnant?

I know that there are people who can not even have one and I feel selfish for being so depressed, but while my heart is so full of the love I have for my son, it is empty and aches for the babies that I have lost. I yearn so badly to be pregnant and have been trying since my last miscarriage with absolutely no luck. All of the genetic testing I have done comes back normal. I just do not know what is wrong with me and the absolute LAST thing I wanted to discover is that she is pregnant again.

I do not have friends to talk to and the last time I opened up to my family, they all but called me a horrible human being… I really feel like I’m drowning here. I just need advice I guess or maybe to know that I’m not alone in how I feel…