This is kinda long, but I needed some place to get it out.

My husband and I have been trying for the last two years for our second child. I have experienced 4 early pregnancy losses. Each one felt like a part of me died and after the last one I came to terms that this dream was gone. I have been blessed with an amazing 7 year old son whom I cherish more than breathing and I know that so many don’t even get that chance.

Now, I am currently 6 weeks and to say I am terrified is an understatement. Since Saturday I have been experiencing brown/ rusty discharge. No cramping, no loss of pregnancy symptoms. (I return to the doctor Thursday for a check up, was told it could be just old blood to try and to try and relax, right… relax)

This morning as my son and I walked out the door, in the oak tree of our front year sat 4 cardinals. Two females, two males. Just sitting there like they were waiting to greet me. I froze in that moment and just stared. I don’t know if it’s a sign or just a coincidence, but there they sat. I am slowly losing hope and the fear this is another loss just seems to take over every moment of the day. I think I have spent more money on pregnancy test these last 6 weeks than toilet paper. All continually showing positive and the last few even being “dye stealers”.

I know I am not alone in this pain, but I swear sometimes I feel as though I am.