Confusing Situationship | Cultural Differences

I’ve (25F) have been seeing this guy( 31M) since May 2023.

It’s been over a year and we’re still in a situationship. I’ve gone back and forth on whether to continue this for a few reasons.

1.)This man goes above and beyond. For seemingly no reason. Some examples:

-I was stranded in a city 4.5 hours away because I missed the train. He books me a hotel room, leaves work early, drives to me, then makes a fun weekend out of me being stuck and drives me home.

- I got emergency surgery last summer and he was the only person who visited me in the hospital every day for 2 weeks (which is fair because he works close by and would come on his lunch breaks) but he also took me home, cooked and cleaned everyday, took care of my cats, and drove me to my follow ups.

- He’s constantly planning dates and trips for us. Without me having to ask.

-Surgery was extreme. But even when I’ve been sick he’s taken care of me or gotten me things to feel better.

-Every time I travel for work he picks me up and takes me to the airport.

I asked him why and he said that he doesn’t mind because he knows I’d do the same for him.

2.) He includes me in his life. Not just the day to day, but big decisions.

-He was buying a condo last year and asked me if I wanted to come look at places w/ him. He ended up choosing the one I thought was the best

-Asked me to come test drive cars. And legitimately asked for my opinion (I work as a designer in the auto industry).

-I’ve met most of his friends. An always his plus one to events and weddings.

-He got this award for something at work and said it would mean a lot if I came to the ceremony

3.) This man is GORGEOUS like 6’3, lean/athletic, pretty af with dark curly hair. Like absolutely stunning.

4.) We’re pretty well matched as far as education, income, looks. Which is shallow, maybe, but I’ve dated men before who made me feel like shit for having a three degrees, making more money than them, being too pretty for them etc. I know this sounds vain but my ex and someone I dated before would be really fcking mean to me and would say “none of my accomplishments mattered if I couldn’t cook/clean” or would constantly try to humble me. Or said I couldn’t wear makeup because I was too pretty and was doing it to attract men so I could cheat. Or say I was wasting my time on school. I broke up with my ex because he ‘forgot’ to got to my graduation two years ago when I was getting a dual masters.

This guy has never made me feel like this. He said he was amazed that I got two masters at the same time because it was challenging for him to do one. Said that he loved how ambitious and smart I was. Also, despite the fact that I make more than him (he makes 95k and I make 120k) he still pays for most of the bigger dates and I pay for the smaller ones. Like he’ll pay for a fancy dinner and I’ll buy breakfast or coffee or drinks sometimes.

ANYWAYS, this guy has treated me 1000x better than anyone I’ve ever dated. Hell does more than most guys in relationships. Still, for some reason, he never wanted to put a label on things. Was adamantly against it.

Finally he told me why and I’m not sure how to move forward. So I’m black (Trini/african American). He was born in India, but moved to the US when he was 17 for college and has lived her by himself ever since. His parents still live overseas. Although there was a lot we bonded over; being POC in the US, what it’s like to have foreign parents, going to predominantly white universities, working in tech, and similarities in West Indies and Indian cultures. Hell, my name is even Hindi from my great grand mother.

But despite all of that, I am still Black. I look black and was raised and socialized as a black person in African American culture. I think it took a lot for him to admit, but he eventually said he’s been tearing himself up inside because no matter how he feels about me, no matter what he wants, he knows that his family would never accept me and he’d be shunned/disowned. And that he’s been conflicted for months because his family is the most important thing to him.

It’s funny because we’ve talked about this before, in a different context. He’s been in the US by himself since he was 17, he’s now 31. That’s nearly half his life. We talked about conflicting identities and the trauma that comes with aculturalization. For me there’s the inherent conflict of being a second gen immigrant. Being Black and Other black. For him it’s his shift in identity coming of age in a wildly different culture/country. I should’ve know that this would have some impact in dating. Especially in societies like India where there’s an expectation that you marry within your cultural group to please your family.

Anyways, idk how to move forward. If I should move on. It’s honestly really tragic. And I’m sad and confused. 💔

I’m of two minds:

enjoy the love and care I receive from this and temper any expectations of things progressing.

Walk away and take from this experience the knowledge that the qualities I want in a partner are out there.