Immediate Postpartum

Hey everyone!!! I’m loving motherhood and all the bonding I get to have with my Muffin. From seeing his facial expressions everyday to just seeing how fast he’s grown, having a new addition in the house has been so amazing and sometimes crazy at the same time. 😅 In my last post, I shared my birth story, but now I’m going to sit and give the update on what’s happened since then. I don’t think anyone or anything can really prepare you for what happens after you give birth, but this is just everything that I personally felt and experienced, and of course we all know that everyone’s birth story is different. I love reading all the birth stories that everyone posts, but I don’t see many postpartum stories of the small triumphs we have in new motherhood. Yes, there have been many sleepless nights and days, there have been moments of frustration and stress due to his constant crying. My partner wasn’t always as supportive or helpful as I would’ve liked, but despite all the struggles, there were many good things and sweet moments in the midst of it. And those are the stories that I don’t think we hear enough of, but I wanna share mine. So after giving birth, Muffin went to the NICU. During my pregnancy, I didn’t feel as if he would have any attachment to me. Boys usually flock to their dads and find their comfort in other males, so I knew my baby would love me, I just didn’t expect it to be as much as he’d love his dad. After all, babies first words are usually ’Dada’. But as soon as he was taken off my chest and whisked away I’m his incubator, I felt the love and intense maternal instincts everyone was talking about.

There was nothing I wanted more than to see and hold my Muffin in my arms to ensure he was safe at all times. My anxiety became instant, and I began experiencing paranoia like never before. I couldn’t control it. Like I said I’m my last post, I was induced early due to possible preeclampsia, so my swelling and my blood pressure was a huge problem. The nurses felt on my stomach afterwards as the epidural wore off and I ended up passing a few clots, but I felt empty somehow without my baby there. A nurse helped me shower and clean up, and I transferred rooms. Once I was settled in, the nurses told me my blood pressure was still pretty elevated and my iron was really low. ‘Get some rest’ they said. But o found that statement to be very ridiculous! I soon had a dozen or more people in my room all at once. One nurse to check my vitals again, one nurse to bring in my medication, one nurse from the NICU to tell me about my baby, another person was bringing in my lunch tray, another nurse came in to explain the rules of being on the baby floor at the hospital and a list of rules to abide by…….??? Ok. Another nurse who brought all this paperwork to fill out for Muffin’s birth certificate, another nurse realized they never got my insurance on file, it was crazy!!! I barely could catch my breath. And every half hour someone new was in my room with some sort of new info. Even though baby had started to warm up, now he didn’t wanna eat. He was refusing his feedings, so they still didn’t feel safe enough to bring him to my room, but I could go visit him. No big deal, but definitely something else I’m stressing about now. I never realized how many tests they had to run on newborns. And why so often??? As soon as I went to visit him, I felt heartbroken to see him attached to so many monitors and seeing all these wires coming from his tiny body. He was technically born early, but 37 weeks was still technically full term. He was a good five pounds, he looked healthy, so why were they treating him like he was so sick? I felt uneasy and scared my baby wouldn’t make it. I was able to hold him and try to feed him, and see him fall back asleep, but my nerves were still on a high. I still hadn’t been able to close my eyes and sleep, but at the time, I couldn’t sleep. Nothing about me seemed important anymore. I just wanted my baby by my side and they wouldn’t let me keep him. I knew he needed to be in the NICU, but it hurt to leave him there. I’m supposed to not stress, but not having my baby in my mind of sight makes me stressed!!😫😫😫. The next few hours I was put back on another IV, this one for my low iron, so I couldn’t get up as easily anymore. You’d think I’d finally be able to drift to sleep. NOPE! Nurses kept coming in to check my stomach, see if I was using the restroom yet, administering more medication, and I swear I soaked through those giant pads every thirty minutes or so. So much for a quick recovery and going home anytime soon. Even after seeing Muffin eat a little more regularly, he still wasn’t at an ample weight enough to go home. And my blood pressure was still fluctuating up and down like the horses on a carousel. The nurses brought it to my attention that my sweet baby was kinda yellow and his bilirubin was high. 😓😓😓. Why couldn’t my baby have one good report? Just one? I was tired of seeing him hooked to so many wires, and they still hadn’t brought him to stay in my room with me yet. So I still couldn’t bond with him like I wanted. What if the nurses weren’t being gentle with him? What if they were so busy that they forgot to feed him? WhT if he was just sitting there crying all by himself? This was terrible. But even though I was under so much stress, visiting the NICU to hold him was the only thing keeping me hopeful. Seeing his eyes flutter open. Getting to feed him. Having him settle into my arms. I knew we would both get well enough to go home. But as badly as I wanted to go home, I didn’t realize how hard it would be since we got there.