My anxiety and depression is worse than I thought

I will keep it short as possible but I’m 26 and I had my son almost 2 years ago and I thought for a while it was postpartum depression, for 1 year I took medical leave for my mental health. I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with anxiety and depression. I was prescribed Zoloft but I didn’t take them. I tried therapy but then got busy when I started working again. I was starting to feel better once I went back to the workforce, I quit the job I dreaded coming back and began a new adventure at a different specialty. I was happy with my decision and felt proud to get out of the house. I’ve removed myself from people I felt were toxic in my life, I have set boundaries with my parents, I have a couple great friends of 10 years I can run to, I have a supportive husband, my toddler son is the easiest and most loving child I know, I landed myself a high paying job a year ago and still love what I do, and finally I got

into the nursing program at the school I want.

Yet…. Here I am still battling with myself. And can’t figure out what it is.

We had watch Inside Out 2 the other day I balled my eyes out with heart palpitations in the bathroom because I deal with that anxiety and energy nearly everyday, “I’m not good enough”. My husband obviously followed and tried to comfort me, yet I was so embarrassed for me to see me this way because I do appreciate what I have and I never want my little family to think they’re not enough when they’re more than enough and I’m super blessed to have them.

I’ve been telling myself for weeks now, maybe I need to make a couple of changes like some weight and cut alcohol. I don’t drink everyday, more like a drink or two on a Saturday if we’re out but if we are drinking at home or someone’s house I’ll get drunk and the hangover is definitely worse than when I was 21. It’s to the point I’m starting to hate to drink. I’m debating about quitting all together. I don’t smoke but for the past year I’ve been relying on caffeine and only Starbucks (I know it’s expensive and it adds up). I would love to quit that but that seems so much harder than quitting alcohol.

Today…. I had a realization that social media may have an affect on me too watching other people, most of the people I have I’m happy to see them doing well and only want best for them, I love seeing them being happy. Then there’s a couple of people I cannot stand and following them feels like an obligation (husbands friends, BIL and MIL [FIL and his gf I get along with] who I do believe want bad for me) and if I unfollow it may drag me some kind of feud I don’t care to be in. Especially his friends, they stop including us and thank goodness because theres so much drama amongst them. Yet if I post one of our outings then someone’s feelings are hurt. It’s actually dreadful to be having these certain people on my feed and I tried changing view settings yet I’ll look them up later to see anything new. I’m frustrated with myself for being curious. So again, I’m debating about shutting off my accounts and take a break for a year while I’m in school and see what that does.

The biggest question is, will these changes make a difference? Will I feel better by then? I don’t know where to begin.