I'm a bit jealous and honestly sad. I don't know where our village is. I grew up with one I understand how it works. I was even that village to others before I became a mother and am drowning in life issues.

We planned a family and had a village. Parents passed away. Family got older. My siblings all have autistic children. My siblings and my self don't have that same village we are all alone.

We cannot afford childcare or sitters so we don't ever have a break or a reprieve last date was five months ago next date will be next year. I have had miscarriages while with my children on the other side of the door because I was screaming and couldn't have them see me in that state but had no help with watching them. I had to drag my children with my to get heart exams, obgyn appointments, injections, car repairs for hours anywhere and everywhere. If I have the flu and in the hospital I have them all with me. If one kids had to go to the er they are all coming with no matter the time. We don't have anyone showing up with a casserole or a helping hand or hug.

When we got started planning children our parents were healthy and alive. We had dreams of family vacations. Of grandparents looking at our babies and comparing looks. Of grandma's fighting over sleep overs. We had no idea my health would be this bad and our family wouldn't be here.

A mom on my street had a third baby and she had both grandma's helping her. I got so sad seeing the extra hands and joy. I bursted into tears. Here I was one set of hands three kids and I couldn't do it all but have no choice to push through. When I was on bed rest pregnant I had all my children with me. I'm sad for my kids to not have that love from grandparents. My siblings are even in worse situations with handicapped children and I can only help them rarely I can barely manage my family it's never returned help. We don't have a village.

Our friends live too far away. A friend put together a meal train after my third as my husband didn't have time off and I had surgery. No one filled our meal train. It was absolutely devastating. I cried about it. Knowing I was asking for two meals a week was already so low. I'm not greedy I just had a different vision. We planned a different vision. This feels so alone.

I'm currently sick right now and know tomorrow I don't have village to pick me up and help me get through it. I have me myself and I. Humans were not supposed to do it alone as parents this is not how we were designed. Thanks for listening to me be sad grieve and be scared of how I'm supposed to do this always without the support.

One commenter commented on we get what we give and it broke me. I have had given so many free dates nights for friends. I made meals showed up. I cleaned homes. Hosted showers. Bought gifts. I took in kids in emergency situation. Watched kids so parents could have babies, go on vacation, and picked up pieces. We are the emergency phone calls for others. Because of our three children being closer in age and others having work I'm a sahm I can't rely on them like they do for me. I've done school pick ups. Showed up to cheer on other families. We don't have the same back. My last pregnancy my doctor yelled at me saying I needed child care and made me feel like was horrible because we didn't have any and I was on bed rest. I sent out text phone calls FB messages it was crickets because everyone had to work. I'm so glad others church's are so helpful ours isn't. I actually stopped going because I hurt my arm and three kids in church alone I was getting looks for my kids not having the best behavior and one arm and no one stepped in to help me just to judge and I was tired of the side eyes and grunts. I get in theory you get what you give and I wish that was the case. I can't tell you how I wish that was the case. I have shed some tears over this situation. I'm summoned for jury duty this next week. The court told me to ask family to watch my children. I actually don't even know what to say anymore when I hear that. If I had the opportunity to have that my children would have loved it I would have loved it. Our neighbors are all 80 and ask us for help we try to help but they are not in a position to extend a hand back. I never pictured motherhood being so isolating and that there wasn't going to be a village for our family.