Emotional abuse? I can’t tell anymore.

I was deep cleaning last night and got sassy while cleaning the dvds and going thru them.. sitting on the floor mind you. My husband gets pissed at me, grabs his clothes and says bye as he walks out.. like he’s about to leave me with our newborn & toddler and spend the night elsewhere. Stays in the garage for about 10 min and then comes back inside.. doesn’t talk to me for the rest of the night or all of today.

He gets home from work today and while I’m folding laundry, does like a throat clearing thing and when I look at him he goes are you going to say hi to me?

Tells me he doesn’t want chicken for dinner tonight and when he sees I ate his ice cream over the last 4 days he starts cussing, slamming the freezer door to our brand new fridge that I bought and throwing silverware down into the sink. Are these normal reactions to simple things like this? I’ve had really.. really bad relationships from my mom beating me and verbally abusing me as a child into growing up to actual relationships I just can’t tell what is supposed to happen anymore.

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COMMENT (13)

Mo

Posted at
I was a domestic abuse counselor for 12 years. Abuse has a pattern.of power and control. This sounds more like anger/tantrum. His anger festers and he probably obsessively ruminates over your fights but keeps it in, then hes throwing a fit over icecream because hes allowed his anger to build up too much vs problem solving. The good news is that anger management and couples counseling to learn how to talk through problems straight away vs letting them fester is something that people like this can effectively learn. But it takes coaching and work. He maybe grew up in a home with dysfunctional communication and problem solving. Abusers on the other hand may seem angry but theyre actually just looking for a reason to get 'mad at her' to unleash his abuse and blame her for it so he can maintain an upper hand over her and control her...anger management doesnt work for them because that isnt really the issue.

Mo

Mommaof4 • Jul 24
J&M in the case of someone being abusive, really, the victim needs to leave. They do have batterers intervention programs (for physical abuse and other forms of abuse) that are usually court mandated, but theyve been proven ineffective. Extensive therapy *can* in theory help, but in reality it doesnt. Usually abusers will go to therapy just to pacify the victim to keep her from leaving then quit, or they manipulate the therapist twisting the stories into thinking shes the problem, then he goes back to her gaslighting that the therapist said shes the problem or hes not abusive . It's like theyre obsessed with power and control and wont own up to their fault or will say 'well she made me mad'. Couples counseling is disasterous in abuse situations and often escalates the abuse. It's really a different bear than general anger management.

Mo

Mommaof4 • Jul 24
Well this is obviously more than just a couple of days of yall bickering and it turning into a fight or him getting pissed. You cant change him, and if he refuses to get help or take responsibility, I think it's time to separate before it gets out of hand or kids see this on a regular basis. It's toxic.

ma

marsh • Jul 24
He constantly gets mad, ices me out.. if I go to talk to him about my feelings he gets pissed and throws his ring at me and leaves or just leaves. He’s gotten to where he punches things during these piffs similar to this. But he will ice me out now for over a day. It’s slowly built up from a few hours after he’s whatever to that. He refuses to do counseling (infidelity on top of that and a massive porn problem & drinking problem) It’s just constantly something.. I actually write down on the daily what he does because it’s just.. i don’t even know anymore. It’s never his fault. He has spent $1k on a toolbox behind my back after I told him we couldn’t afford it but my very occasional coffee I get makes us broke and it’s my fault. I just don’t know what to do and his mom puts up with the same thing from his dad.

A

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not normal. he is literally acting like a damn baby.

le

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These are not healthy or mature reactions and you are undeserving of this immature behavior.

Al

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Those are absolutely not normal reactions. After a disagreement or argument wanting space is one thing but to ice you out and then be upset when you don’t say anything to him is crazy. It also sounds like he’s nitpicking you on every little thing. Doesn’t want chicken. You ate the ice cream. Those are things that don’t really matter and he shouldn’t be cussing you out.

Ca

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What else is going on here? Are you arguing? Is he going through something? Have the two of you attempted to discuss it? This isn’t abuse. Childish but it’s clear there is an issue that needs to be dealt with. The two of you need to talk about it and get some counseling.

ma

marsh • Jul 24
No, that’s literally the whole thing. We aren’t arguing he just gets pissed off at me. He has iced me out since then and has said maybe 4 things to me since the other day. Won’t even acknowledge I’m in the room. He says I’m the problem every time, won’t ever take accountability. I just.. idk. He goes from yelling, cussing, he throws & punches things.. this time he only threw a spoon and slammed the door. He refuses counseling

Al

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Get back sassy with him! Don’t let him talk to you crazy. If he wants to leave let him.

Au

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Has he always been like this, or is this new behavior? You deserve SO much better & shouldn’t put up with it from anyone, no matter who they are to you!! 🩵