Ever since that moment in my ultrasound last week, where I saw her face and knew we'd lost our baby, I've been dreading what comes next. It's been an agonizing four days of waiting to hear from the doctors/hospital on what to do. I couldn't get out of bed or even move. Here, they won't do anything unless you have a referral which needs to be triaged or it's an emergency! and my miscarriage has been a silent one with no symptoms. I understand the system but it's also very difficult. You're just left waiting for the worst to happen, not knowing when or how that final goodbye is going to start. I've been reading hundreds of heartbreaking stories from grieving mothers all over the world, knowing I'm not alone in what im going through, reading their pain and trying to prepare for the inevitable. All the while broken and crushed by fear and loss. I understand these things happen and it's not my fault, even in knowing that it's just so so hard still. People have been so kind in helping me today and I finally got some closure on my next steps for which I am grateful. I'm now just a few hours away from having a D&C :( I felt like I failed because that's how I've chosen to move through this but the pain in waiting is just too much for me. It's a relief in one way but soul destroying in another. My baby let go a week ago but I still feel so connected to my little one and knowing that it's getting to that time where I have to physically let go is so so hard 😭 there's nothing different I could have done to prevent this but it doesn't make this any easier. How you recover from this I don't know, I guess it takes a lot of love, forgiveness, support and acceptance to get through it. I will always celebrate my angel baby because however long we had, it was still something special and I'm grateful for every minute and day i got to show him or her unconditional love. I almost have no tears left to cry I've cried that much :(. This is a novel I know but writing my heart has helped me to channel the deep pain, dread and anxiety I am feeling as I get closer to tomorrow:( I know I don't want this to defeat me, I know I have to pick myself up eventually and keep going, even if every step at first is a thousand daggers in my heart and to every woman and couple going through this, I am so sorry this happened to you, my heart goes out to you all. Just remember that you have not failed, you are so strong, you are loved and you are going to get through this too 💜 the only plan I really have is one day at a time, that's all anyone can do with loss like this 💜