Laying in bed thinking of divorce

Haven’t been touched or kissed in any way in over 5 weeks. Husbands been gone for 2 weeks.. I thought maybe when he got home tonight he’d want to.. nope. Even tried just getting a kiss from him and he wouldn’t even look at me. He’d rather watch porn every single night. Everything’s just all wrong and I can’t handle it anymore. No matter the talks, crying.. nothing changes for good. I want to feel emotionally safe and not be withheld from intimacy but only get it when he won’t take my no for an answer. I’m tired of being so horny and not being wanted or important to just be touched in anyway.

Torn because it’s like is my kids losing the ability to see their father most days more important than my happiness and actually being loved & happy. I don’t think any other guy will be interested in a chunky woman who’s breastfeeding and has 2 kids. I just want to cry.