Am I wrong for not helping my grandsons mother out

My late son had a baby with someone and my grandchild is 4. Me and her do not really get along. I do not like how she tried to capitalize off my son dying and used his death to get attention when the last thing she said to him was to kill himself but honestly I'm not even acting this way because of that. I see my grandchild when I can but I live 4 hours away. My grandchild's mother talks about wanting a village but constantly disrespects the village. My grandchild does not know how to behave because she allows them to do whatever they want and if I discipline she gets mad. My grandchild kicked my cat and I told them no and put them in time out. Mom went off on me and said I don't have a right to discipline her child. I said they can't just do whatever they want and the intentionally harmed my cat. She told me it's a cat and this is my grandchild.

She asked me today if I could please watch my grandchild because she needs to go to work or she will lose her job. I told her I can't. My daughter is having a surgery today to remove a tumor and I'm going to be there for that. She's 16 so this is scary. She told me she needs help. She can't lose her job and nobody else will watch my grandchild because of their behavior. I don't have time to deal with their behavior when one of my children is getting a tumor removed. Especially since she doesn't let me discipline. She got mad at me and basically said if I don't hate her I can't see my grandchild anymore. I told her if she's going to use them as a pawn that it really shows the type of person she is and she's not going to have any village doing that and she hung up on me. I have had a rough couple years. I lost my kid. I've been dealing with so much and she adds to it.