Idk how to feel

I’m 18 and 24 weeks and 6 days and idk how to feel. Lately I’ve been wanting my mom but my mom passed away when I was 12 and it will be 6 years in February but I still just want my mom. I kinda just feel like she’ll never get to be a grandma or get to meet my kids. I have an amazing stepmom that I love but I don’t know why I want my mom. She wasn’t very good when she was alive due to have been a horrible mom to my sister and closer to the time of her death she was cheating on my dad and getting ready to leave state leaving us with our dad giving him full custody of us. I have 2 brothers from my mom and dad and a half sister from my dad, I gained a little brother from my stepmom who had him from a previous relationship but he thinks my dad is his since he’s the only man that’s been in his life since he was about a year old and his bio dad wants nothing to do with him. I just don’t know how to feel no matter what she did she is still my mom and I still love her and want her to have seen this but I don’t think she would have wanted to.