This is a long one…

I’m starting to see a blame problem with my 3 year old. I think it stems from her dad my husband. He often says things like, “You made me ____ !” For instance, tonight my 3 year old was playing with playdough. She knows she’s not supposed to eat it or it gets put away. I got up from the carpet, doing g something with the baby and I see her chewing and say “did you eat playdough?” At first she said no but then said yes, and I said, “you’re not supposed to eat playdough and now we put it away.” And then she immediately cried out, “nooo dot. Put my playdough away!” To which my husband interjected, “ah give it back to her! Bad Mama!” As he’s saying that I’m cleaning up playdough and telling her to spit it out. She spit toward my face (which earlier today she got scolded for spitting on me and the baby as I was nursing - not a common thing) so after he said “bad mama!” He told her not to spit on my face and I told him that she was spitting because I told her to spit and that I was less worried about getting spit on and more concerned about the playdough in her mouth.

He got so mad because I made him yell at me. What did I do? I caused the 3 year old to cry because the consequence for eating playdough was to take it away which caused her to cry. He yelled because my consequence caused a loud cry. He said “bad Mama!” When this happened to which I had to voice out loud without sounding defensive, “I’m not a bad Mama” He then was very stern in scolding me for my handling of the whole situation. He said my discipline (which I corrected too consequence) was too severe. That I was supposed to keep her happy and not making loud annoying sounds which make dad upset. Now I’ve upset him and it’s my fault. And now he’s also mad because I disagreed and interrupted him when he told our 3 year old not to spit on mama. I don’t think I interrupted when he said that. I just didn’t outright agree with him because I was giving her instructions to spit while he was trying to tell her not to spit on me. Anyway. He said that I made him yell. I made him mad. I made her cry. It was all my fault. He scolded me like a h child. “Don’t ever tell me NO. Do you understand!?” I didn’t respond. So my daughter said “she doesn’t understand” So he said, “then sit there until you do understand.” I told him he was being rude. And he said I was being rude and causing both of our discipline to be obsolete by causing an argument about it. I don’t even know how we end up here sometimes. We were just gonna move onto the next activity even if it meant a little whining. But it disturbed him so much.

So tonight my daughter was reaching for something on the other side of her bed and I had called her over to read books and when I looked at her she had hit her mouth on her bed. I said “aw did you hurt your lip? What were you doing?” And she said “you distracted me!” She blamed me for hurting her lip. This isn’t the first time she blames me or her dad. It’s often, “see what happens when you do that!?” Or “you made me ____!” And I don’t know how to stop it. Am I supposed to apologize for things so that she learns to apologize to others? Or am I supposed to explain to her that it was not my fault (or that accidents happen)?

A new day a few weeks later:

Today, my husband got really upset over something small and started to blame a whole mess of things on me. I hardly said anything because it just comes off as defensive and then it gets worse. But then at some point during the 30 minutes of being told I was a bed partner in front of our daughters, he moved our three year olds high chair and when he pulled his hand away her hair got caught on his watch and she said “ow you pulled my hair!” And he said, “oh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to.” Which would have been great if he’d stopped there but then he quickly continued and said, “but mama didn’t put your hair up this morning.” (This morning I went to the grocery store first thing per his request and didn’t remember to put her hair up when I got back). So she turned to me and said, “Mama say sorry” as if it was my fault. I told her that I would not apologize because I did not pull her hair. So her dad said “for not putting up her hair” and she said “for not putting up my hair”. So I apologized for not putting up her hair and she quickly accepted my apology. But do you see? Or am I crazy? I don’t know what to do.

I swear some days I’m walking on eggshells around him. It’s a fine line between communicating too much (asking him what he wants to eat or what to feed the little ones, etc.) and not communicating enough (giving my 3 year old pureed prunes with her nuggets because I told her I would when she was playing 30 minutes ago, but her daddy decided no because she had apple sauce while k was at the store).

I don’t see my husband’s blaming behavior changing anytime soon. How do I stop my children from doing the same thing? I don’t want them to see me as always at fault for things, always ruining things, or as a bad person. I want my children to take responsibility for their actions but also not to blame others for their own reactions to situations. I swear I’m a good mama but he makes me feel bad.