Why now

So my ex boyfriend who I dated for 2 years and 11 months broke up with me a year ago. I was really mad at him when he broke up with me because he told me I wasn’t priority to him but he also told me I deserve to be. We got some better closure recently because of a mutual third party making us interact by just existing. We’ve been casually chatting every great once and a while if we bump into each other and when I wished him a happy birthday. And I would say I’m happy with where we are given our history.

The issue is: last month I ended a brief relationship with a guy who honestly didn’t respect me or my choices or my identity. And I only dated him because he /wanted/ to be seen with me and be around me. He prioritized our relationship, but not me, not my comfortability, but I just saw that he openly wanted to be with me and folded. The anger and frustration I feel about how I let myself into that relationship because of honestly shallow reasons is morphing into missing my other ex.

I’m seeing him everywhere in the media I consume. Tv characters look and/or act like him, tiktoks remind me of things he did, even in porn and smut because even though sex was mostly about him, he was so gentle and kind and it felt like an exchange of love. It was sweet and sometimes a little silly and it was never just sex or just lust. I never felt objectified but I still felt admired and sexy. And that is my favorite explicit media to consume.

Even better, he was so good at getting me out of my own head and he was really accommodating with my neurological and mental health issues even if he didn’t understand and I feel so upset that we couldn’t keep going. It was so so so hard to just get to be around him but when I did it was amazing.

And it really sucks. Because if i could go back and relive our relationship i wouldn’t want to spend nights crying over him forgetting my birthday or canceling dates because his “not really an actual friend, we just talk in school” needs a designated driver. But damnit do I miss all of the precious perfect moments.