Just need level headed advice please

UPDATE**

My kids are aged from 14 - 19 all boys. My husband in no way abuses my kids. Not at all. I would never be with someone like that. He is a reserved person. He doesn’t yell or force nor speak in a loud or condescending voice. He tells my kids to make sure their rooms are tidy, to wash up any dirty dishes they may have, do laundry, etc.

I have tried to enforce these chores and my kids have always listened and behaved well but when I get too close to my family my kids run rings around me because my family always put me down in front of them for being a single mom. You can say I have to an extent lost control of my home simply because my family meddle a lot. My husband although is not disrespectful in any form has always said he will step up to be a dad to the kids and that means teaching them to be responsible and respectful. He knows I am too soft on my kids because I have always felt guilt of them not having a father because that is what is always said to me by my family. I am the first in my family to ever get a divorce and it has always been unacceptable to my family, moreso because I stayed single for over a decade afterwards.

I just feel so put down and out.

Yes, my children are extremely jealous that my husband gets some of my time and attention. I have sat down with the kids alone, and as a family but its like banging my head on the wall because all they repeat is they don't need a man in the house and I am fine alone. They just dont get that they are older they will go on about their lives and its unfair for me to stay single just to appease their jealousy. Does that make sense? **

I have 4 kids who are my whole world. All early to late teens. I've been a single mom for the past 12 years and have raised them alone. Not a problem but i do get lonely sometimes especially since they are getting older and doing their own things.

My family (I'm a muslim) talked about an arranged marriage. A nice guy. Caring, hardworking, a level-headed partner. I was open to the idea so we started talking and went on dates etc. My kids were always aware and I never hid anything. We got on like a house on fire. Have so many similar interests, visions, beliefs and he's been my shoulder and cheerleader to be better. He honestly makes me feel seen, heard and appreciated. A year later we were ready to get married because we just got on so well. Again kids were aware and onboard. We got married, he moved in, but that's when things went downhill.

My husband would try to discipline my kids (clean their rooms, take down dirty dishes, do homework at a reasonable time, sleep on time etc) but my kids would come to complain he was being mean and controlling and would say the same to my family who would call me constantly saying my kids are unhappy and that I should stop being selfish about wanting a relationship and put my kids first and that I am a bad mom. It caused a lot of arguments and grief in my house between my husband and I, so after only 4 months my husband moved out.

We are still in relationship, talk daily, go on dates etc, we havent broken up we just live apart but I now have to hide my relationship from my kids or they complain to my family who yell at me to be a better mom.

I have spoken to my family and my kids. My kids say they dont like him because he is "bossy" (meaning he tells them they are old enough to pull their weight and that I am not a housemaid, that they should love and respect their mom enough to help out when they can). My kids also collectively said that I should live my life alone and that I am fine alone I don't need anyone.

My family say leave him because I am a mom and my kids wishes should come first so if they dont want me to have a partner I should listen to them because that's what good moms do. Surely my kids and family are being unreasonable. Am I the only one who thinks its unreasonable for my kids to think i should be alone forever just so they can feel like they run my house without lifting a finger?

My friends say put my foot down with my kids and family and not ruin my relationship because of my family meddling and who rile up my kids, and that the kids will come round in time and I shouldn't let me kids have that much freedom to run my life.

My family call me selfish (and much much worse) saying i prefer men to my kids which isn't true at all and makes me very upset they think that.

I'm so stuck, and in trying to keep everyone happy I'm miserable and depressed and sometimes I feel like whats the point living like this.

I just wanted advice. If you were in my shoes what would you honestly do?