i would have been 10 weeks and 4 days today, but i got an abortion at 8 weeks for my boyfriend. he said he wasn’t ready, that it would ruin his life and that we can try again in a years time. he promised that he would be there for me throughout the whole process. and he was, until i got the abortion.

he was hardly speaking to me. not initiating conversations but replying to me with one or two worded answers. he would come home from work, play the xbox, ask me for sexual favours and then go to sleep. and i knew something was up but whenever i asked or tried to talk to him, he would say that he is fine and he is coping with it well.

then, exactly a week after i had gotten the abortion, he got home and was running late to get dinner with his friends. he didn’t ask me how my day was, so i didn’t have a chance to tell him that i had been sent home from work because i was passing fist sized clots. he just had a smoke, got changed and left.

when he got home, he said that dinner was fun and was in a happy mood, finally talking to me again and i thought maybe seeing his friends have brought him out of whatever he was going through. he told me that he was able to catch up with a childhood friend that he hadn’t seen in years and was excited telling me every detail. then he mentioned that his friends girlfriend was there and that she was pregnant.

his mood completely changed and he was tired and wanted to go to sleep after playing the xbox and having a smoke. i thought that maybe he thinks that upset me and is disappointed in himself for bringing it up when really i was just happy that he was happy.

i told him that i had been passing clots and he said “sorry”. I asked if we could talk and i explained how i felt with him coming home and hardly speaking to me and then going straight to bed and he just said “yeah” and closed his eyes to go to sleep. i asked if he was really going to sleep after he agreed to talk and he said yes, and i asked him to sleep in the spare bed or sleep at his dads for the night because i couldn’t be around him if he was going to disrespect me like that, especially after what we have both just been through.

he said okay and started to get up and told me he was leaving. and i said “would you really rather leave than talk this through” and he said “yeah i’m not feeling it anymore” and i realised he was breaking up with me. he broke up with me a week after an abortion that he wanted and i didn’t.

i tried so hard to make him stay but he wouldn’t. he ended up grabbing me and pushing me out of the way, but i still didn’t want to let him leave. i felt pathetic in the moment but i still don’t care. he ended up leaving and telling me he just wants space, and that he needs to work on himself and he no longer feels like himself after putting my mental health first for so long. i constantly asked him not to. i constantly encouraged him to work on himself, and to go see his friends and to do the things that me loves. He wants no contact but how is that fair? i’m waiting around for him to decide whether he wants me or not.

i gave him multiple outs before the abortion. i told him that he could leave with no strings attached; he wouldn’t have to pay anything and he wouldn’t have to be involved in any way unless he wanted to. and he said no the abortion is the best choice because i want to be with you.

he apparently woke up the day he left and just didn’t love me anymore. that’s so out of character for him so either something is wrong or he was planning it.

i ended up having to get a surgical abortion as the medical abortion that i had didn’t work. he knew, i was messaging him and he was sending short answers back telling me to keep him updated, stay strong and to rest up and take care. he told me he would call me the morning of the surgery and he didn’t. i was heartbroken, alone and so so scared. i woke up from the surgery and had a massive panic attack to the point that i had to be sedated again.

i just feel so abandoned and alone. i still love him so much and i want him back. i only want him in my life, i want to have kids with him one day and marry him and wake up being proud of him everyday but i feel so betrayed. how could he do this?

do i keep trying to talk to him and help him through whatever he is going through? or do i just give up?