I want to leave him but I’m scared!

I’m not scared of being alone. I’m scared of hurting him. I’m scared that maybe leaving him is a mistake. I do love him.

We’ve been together for 5 years with multiple break ups throughout (him breaking up with me). But this time is different because we live together. Our relationship is just so stagnant. We met as teenagers 10 years ago and I feel like we’re still those same teenage kids, no progress.

I want a different kind of relationship. I want someone that thinks of me as their best friend. Someone that can’t wait to see me and spend time with me. He isn’t like that. He’s not affectionate, he doesn’t even hug me and when I hug him he pushes me away. We have sex like twice a month. He’d rather spend time with his guy friends then with me. He tells me I talk too much. We have good times but I just don’t have *FUN* with him. But maybe im just comparing it to my relationship with my ex 😫 My ex would make me laugh till my stomach hurt. We had sooo much fun together doing absolutely nothing! It was the best time of my life and since I’ve been back with this guy, I haven’t felt like that. I know that I shouldn’t compare but I can’t help it. I want that back. I can’t talk to him about anything because it starts an argument in which he’ll curse me out, wave his hands in my face, ball up his fights, push me, etc. I can’t tell him directly that I want to leave because he’ll physically restrain me and hold my things hostage, he even did it in front of his parents and they told me to call the police. I finally found somewhere to rent but I don’t know how I’m going to leave or even have the conversation of leaving without him causing a scene.

I feel that I should leave but I’m worried. They say the grass is never greener.. maybe this is the best I’ll ever get 😞