major confusion

girls, this is gonna be long and confusing so stick with me..

it all started when i got in a relationship with me ex boyfriend about 3 years ago, we live in the same village, our houses are like 10 min away from each other. i was 18 at that time, he was 21- it was his first relationship but my second. it was intense, consuming, very sexual- we both liked a good game. but at the same

time we fought a lot and he obviously liked me more than i liked him, so i broke up with him after a while. i didn‘t take my time to get over that relationship also bc i didn‘t feel sad or heartbroken, i moved on extremely easily, instead i got myself into the next whirlwind romance.

he actively pursued me over the next years, but it didn‘t interest me that much because he was too pushy and clingy. but then i got really sick and he was the one that showed up for me, that called me every day to check on me even though i hurt him. we became friendly again, but never more- i focused on myself and stayed single for 2 years.

last winter something traumatic happened in my family and i went out, got drunk, saw him and knew he was always there for me, so somehow i decided to make out with him. a week after that we slept together, then had a talk about it a few days later and i apologised for giving him the wrong impression and we decided to stay friendly.

fast forward to now, i am currently in a happy and healthy relationship for the first time with someone he knows well (it‘s village tho so everyone knows everyone) that is completely the opposite from my ex- caring, sweet, sensitive and someone i can imagine being with in the future. my ex‘s friends & my friends are in the same friendgroup, so we obviously keep running into each other and seeing each other from time to time. a few weeks ago we all went to a football game together, my boyfriend as well. my ex was there, he kept staring at me from across the room and i couldn‘t help but feel a little pulled in by him again- i guess it was all the intense eye contact and champagne. we talked later that night and he said that he missed me and can‘t deal with seeing me with my boyfriend and i honestly can‘t remember half the conversation. but ofc my bf was not happy that i was even talking to him in the first place, because my ex was even before that night constantly trying to get to me through my sister or dad or my/ his friends. a day later we all saw each other again and my ex kept staring the whole afternoon at me again and they almost got into a fight over it.

now i‘m trying to avoid him but it‘s ofc not possible forever. my relationship is so calm and easy and such a safe space but a little part of me is drawn to the drama, the intensity and games. i know that my personality matches the one of my ex a lot more, the impulsivity, the way i argue, the need to be constantly stimulated and challenged, how much i enjoy a good game. my boyfriend is the complete opposite- he‘s so caring, collected and calm, unable to fight with people and i love all these qualities about him, i wish i had them myself. i know how little it says of my character that i sometimes feel the pull to the darkness, to let all of my bad qualities come to live- i wish i could be for once satisfied with what i have.

how can i stop this madness?