Conflicted

So, I’ve had a rocky relationship with nearly all the mother figures in my life. Because of this, I was never the woman that wanted children. Not that I’m opposed to children, I’ve just been kind of indifferent—like if it happens, fine, but if it doesn’t, I’m ok with that. I have always had really erratic menstrual cycle. Recently, I missed my period for nearly 5 months in a row and I got really attached to the idea of maybe being pregnant and becoming a mother. I was having dreams of doing things as a family, having visits with grandparents and cousins, going on vacations, eating meals together, etc. I mentioned it to my doctor and, after taking a medication, I started my period which made me kind of sad. Then, when I talked to my husband about it, he mentioned it not being a good time for us right now. I’m in my 30s and feel like I missed my ideal window for having children—like I set myself up for failure. Now, I don’t know if this is something I’ve always wanted and I just repressed it or if it’s pressure from the culture/people in my life. More or less, I just wanted to get this off my chest. If you got this far, thank you for reading.