Weird turn on

I have no idea how to explain this. I just had an epiphany. When I was younger my first sexual experience was with a family member of my age. It felt wrong and I did not like it at all at the time and I got it to stop.

The problem is that 16 years later I’ve realized that secret sex and being played with the same way is the only thing that makes me get close to climax. It makes me feel so grossed out and strange that this could possibly be the thing that get me to climax now. Is there a way to teach my body to enjoy sex from just regular play?

It’s not my shame but I hold it now. I have no idea what to do with this information. I’ve heard of women liking rape role play which is kind of what I like but a mild form of it. (Not actual rape for any weirdos on here) should I accept it and try and ignore where it came from? I’ve never climaxed but I’m getting closer and closer to and I think that’s what made me have this epiphany. Has anyone else has this happen to them? I should talk to a therapist about it but lmk what y’all think.