First Relationship

What do I do?

A couple months ago, I had just started dating a guy for the first time. (20 YO me, 28 YO him). Going into it I knew absolutely nothing, thinking that this was what I wanted, and I could see some sort of future in the relationship. It was giddy at the very beginning, and it felt good to know someone was there. I had never been in a relationship so he was guiding me in a way, and it got more and more comfortable. I told him I wanted to take things extremely slow, and it would be a while before I got more comfortable. He was completely understanding and okay with it, and we had agreed it would take time. On our 5th or 6th date, I had my first kiss with him. I didn’t feel anything (excitement) during the kiss, was scared, and I’m also already afraid of germs so I’m really not a fan of kissing. The next couple dates were at his place and they got better, way more comfortable and way more fun. I always dreaded going but as soon as I got there, there was lots of excitement and comfort. We had fun. We laughed. He even ended up randomly meeting my family (who i am EXTREMELY close to and value their opinions so very much). At one of our most recent dates, he had told me that he wants me to meet his family. (It’s only fair because he met my family). Now recently, I’ve been thinking some things over. He is extremely invested into this relationship, and talks about the future which scares me somewhat. He has his own apartment while I still live in my parents house in my third year of college because it’s too expensive, so the thought of him already having figured out housing as an adult is a little intimidating. He also has had experience with two other fairly serious girls he used to date, and has learned from them about what he doesn’t want, as they were abusive. I also work with him at work (we keep things extremely professional at work and don’t even mention our personal lives), and I’ve noticed that he doesn’t always have the best of manners, and gets frustrated easily. As someone who comes from a family where manners and respect is highly praised, it scares me a little when he’s short with coworkers (as he gets the label of being scary and mean by newhires.) I know he’s trying to leave that job and go to his dream job, so he’s extremely burnt out, but I still feel like I should be weary about how upset he can get with things. He also got into some problems with our manager (long story but he was bullied out of his coordinator position by the manager), and in order to explain that he wasn’t “out to get our manager” he had to bring up that we were dating. He could have chosen any other excuse for a personal subject but instead he chose to flat out tell our boss about our relationship. Now our boss is going around and telling our coworkers that we are dating. Nice. Even though we agreed we didn’t want everyone knowing, I feel like he isn’t trying to hide it and is making it obvious that we are dating. Obviously people talk but still. We also don’t exactly see eye to eye with certain things, which I know these are superficial and not deal breakers, but it is starting to make me think we are not compatible. He likes to hunt, which I have no problem with but my family grew up in a no hunting family, he likes to listen to country music which I am not a fan of at all, and he likes to be very physical. As hesitant as I already am, I am not a fan of being physical so it’s painful when I have to kiss, especially with the germs, and I panicked when he touches me. I have had no trauma or anything in my past, so I’m not sure why I am like this. I want to tell him I’m not a fan of kissing but I know it’s his love language so I don’t want to upset him.

I don’t know, it’s just the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more doubts I have in that I’m not sure I want to pursue the relationship. I miss my independency and I do admit that I am the reason for these problems. I just don’t think I’m ready when I thought I was. I miss hanging out with only friends and just focusing on school because school is stressing me out right now because of the program that I am in. Maybe I’m just overreacting and overwhelmed right now, but I am not sure I want to continue the relationship. The only problem is, is that I don’t want to break his heart because he is so happy (he’s told me that I’ve made him a better person), and he sees a future with me, but I’m having a hard time seeing my future with him. I don’t want to continue a lie and tell him everything is fine when it isn’t. And it’s better to do it sooner than later. I just don’t know what I should do. Should I brave it out and continue going this path to see if it will get better and maybe I’m overreacting, or should I see if we can “take a break” in a way, or end it completely? It sucks because I genuinely know that I’m the problem, and as much as I want to be in a relationship, I don’t really want to be now that I found that out. I think I’d be much happier and less stressed if I just had my family and friends.

I have no idea what to do.