Sometimes i feel...

Sometimes i feel stupid taking pregnancy tests. Like i know there's always a chance. It could happen. But i just feel stupid. Like 5+ yrs of negatives and i take a test just for it to be negative again. Like the tests are mocking me. Im not even upset about pcos and infertility anymore. I just feel plain stupid. Like my body is stupid. Taking a pregnancy feels stupid and a waste of time and money. I think sometimes i do it just to feel something about infertility/pcos other than numbness.

I wish it felt exciting and new. I wish it felt good. I wish it felt like it does for all the other women. I dont know what this is all supposed to be for anymore. Am i even meant to be a mother? I often rationalize with myself ' oh its because you live here' 'oh its because your doing this in life'. Like theres some other non-medical explanation for why i cant conceive or have a period or carry a baby to term. A reason other than my body is just a failure. Sorry for the long post Just needed to vent to someone not my husband. Thank you for listening.