Frustration with TTC

I guess this really just a rant… I don’t have many people to talk to.

I conceived naturally in April of 2021 and miscarried in May. I did one round of Letrozole 2.5 mg in January of 2022 and immediately fell pregnant with fraternal twins. I lost of one my twins unexpectedly in March and gave birth via cesarean to a tiny but healthy baby boy in September. We decided to try for a second right away and took another round of Letrozole 2.5 mg leading us to get pregnant again in May of 2023 where I miscarried like a week after getting a positive. Since then, I have had probably 5 or 6 failed rounds of the Letrozole 2.5 mg. They gave me the 5 mg dose. So this is my first cycle with the 5 mg dosage.

Today, I am 11 DPO. I confirmed ovulation on CD 15 with OPKs and bbt. I took a ClearBlue test yesterday and saw a very faint line. Took another test this morning using FMU and saw a faint line but it almost looked darker than the previous one. I had one digital test. Took it and it came back negative. I thought that maybe it was just too early and I went out to get pink dye tests. I just grabbed one First Response and a cheapie. Completely negative. I know I didn’t use FMU, but it was 110% negative. I know that this does not mean that I am out this cycle- but I can feel in my bones that I am. It took me YEARS to get pregnant and even when I was successful in doing that, I’ve had back to back losses. I should be pregnant with my 4th baby due in January.

I just don’t understand why it is even harder for me to get pregnant after having one half successful pregnancy. I’m really getting down about it thinking that I’ll probably never have another baby… How do I continue to cope with these thoughts? I just want to fill my home with little people to love. And damn those ClearBlue tests getting my hopes up like they did 😔