How to overcome this fear?

Question

So a little back story, I have one child already and due my second in April. Me and my husband were trying for baby no.2 for quite a while but during that time my MIL was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. We briefly stopped trying however she made it clear she didn’t want anyone putting their life on hold because of the diagnosis so continued to try expand our family.
Since I have been pregnant I find it incredibly hard to plan things like buying baby items and don’t want a baby shower. I feel like I’m constantly scared of something going wrong which I know I felt a bit with my first however this time is very different. Like so many people have said things to me like ‘this will be the last Christmas as just the three of you’ or ‘think about this time next year, you’ll have a little baby’ etc. And every time something like that is said I can’t get excited like they seem to be, instead I get a pang of anxiety and fear. 
Since my MILs diagnosis I feel like I can’t look that far ahead in life because we have no clue what things will be like, the last 6 months have been pretty hard for us all and a rollercoaster I don’t think anyone wants to be on. 
I love this baby already more than anything but I really want to look forward to having her instead of having this dread of the unknown. 
Sorry this post is long, any advice on how to overcome this fear of the future and mortality would be really appreciated!

Answer

I don’t think I have any advice that might help, but can tell you I’ve had the same feelings. If that’s any comfort at all- just know what you’re feeling is what others have felt too.
It took us a long time to conceive #2 and he’s due in January. While I’m over the moon to be completing our family- there have been many times of fear (we’ve been a family of 3 for 4 years now), uncertainty (our “only child” will no longer be an only child- my heart breaks for him at times), and anxiety.
I just try to take it one day at a time and really focus on the reality that this might be hard, but absolutely worth it.
Sending you positive thoughts mama!

Answer

The way you have to look at it is whether or not your mother-in-law passes, your daughter is going to come regardless. I don’t know if you are a high-risk pregnancy or anything like that, if that is the case, then it’s understandable that you’re feeling anxiety, in case you lose the baby, my mother always said that when she was pregnant with us, she never did anything until we came home from the hospital because the last thing you would want to come home to is an empty crib, and no child just in case of any emergencies so she waited until we were all born before she got the crib and everything else. Because back then in the 70s and the 80s, there was a very high risk for sudden infant death in the crib, and with my oldest brother, she didn’t sleep for the first year, she was so paranoid that that was gonna happen to my brother, and she couldn’t sleep thinking that would happen. So if that’s the case, then, maybe wait until the last month or wait until the baby is born, I’m not sure how far apart your first pregnancy to your second is, but I’m sure you could get some kind of coast sleeper or sleep with the baby in the meantime or if you still have the crib from your first one, whatever makes you more comfortable. As for the future, no one can control with unfortunately, you don’t know if you’re gonna walk out of your house, and anything can happen, obviously, I don’t wanna put more fear into your life, but you can’t stop living, the only one that limits you is yourself, stepping outside your comfort zone, is the only way to live. my brother right now is in the same similar boat with his mother-in-law in hospice, and for Christmas he cooked a huge meal, and she wasn’t feeling well enough to come to the house, so he packed up everything and went to her, because he knew that was what his wife would want him to do. And unfortunately, that’s life. It’s the unknown in general and unfortunately, we have no control aside from living life to the fullest, and if your mother-in-law does pass, like she said, she doesn’t want anyone stopping their life because of her, she wants you to enjoy your life, she wants you to enjoy your pregnancy, and, it’s weird sometimes that things like this, it’s more of a reality check that it makes you grateful and appreciate life, and that person is no longer suffering or in pain, I lost my father when I was four years old, 1983, I really have no memories of my father, but it did leave me emotionally Messed up the nicest way of putting it, I had a rough life. Yes, Father’s Day and anytime I see somebody getting married or talking about my dad. I choke up, but it’s life. And you just have to live it as best as you can. I don’t know if I’ve brought you any comfort or made things worse, but maybe, some therapy might be beneficial, maybe a support group, I would check in your area with local churches or Catholic charities, or Womans Space whatever you have available, and see if maybe talking to somebody and getting things off your chest just relieving that weight that you’re feeling might be beneficial. It’s OK to cry, it’s not a sign of weakness, it’s OK to be vulnerable, it’s OK to have feelings and of course you’re dreading the worst when it comes to your mother-in-law and that’s understandable, the first thing that people think when you hear cancer is, the fatality portion of it and it sucks but you try to keep that person in good spirits and give them hope that you know whether they do treatment or not or they waited out like a hospice situation and just try and keep them comfortable I don’t know how far along your mother-in-law is. But either way, You just do the best that you can one day to the next. Don’t think of it as a giant boulder, think of it as tiny pebbles, and each pebble get to check one thing off the list of things that you need to accomplish, or the feeling of overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is a choice, instead, choose the pebbles and break it down step-by-step rather than feeling overwhelmed with fear. Maybe that’s what you need to do also with the baby. And, don’t think of it as life and death or the beginning. In the end, rather, it’s the journey, I’m sure your mother-in-law lived life that she’s proud of, and she would want you to do the same. Your children, live through you, she lives through you and her son I assume you married a man, And the rest of her family you guys are all her legacy and talking about memories and all the wonderful things that she’s done in life. I’m hoping she was a good mother. Otherwise none of this is getting home. But I’m hoping so. And just enjoy her as long as you can, make memories, Have the conversations you never got to have, don’t have any regrets and whether that is you, or that is your partner or the rest of his family, you make the most of things rather than waiting and not having things left onset. You figure out life insurance and you figure out bank accounts, payable upon death, you figure out the house and, if they had a mortgage or anything, he figure out funeral arrangements he figure it out one thing at a time and at least you have warning rather than from one day to the next and trying to figure out how the heck you’re going to cover funeral expenses and everything else figure out where things are all the old pictures and at least you have warning there’s a lot of people who don’t get that warning. Just take it one day at a time like I said, tiny pebbles, not a giant boulder, and try and see the lining of hope rather than gloom and misery. The glasses have full rather than the glasses have empty and just do the best you can we all have good days in bed,there’s no shame or guilt and feeling sadness or expressing your emotions or feeling like you’re adding more heartache or guilt to your partner, talk about all the wonderful memories of his mother and all his favorite memories, his favorite holidays and birthdays and things like that and keep his spirits up and do the best you can. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope things get better for you when it comes to the baby.

How to overcome this fear?

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