After 10 months of this super toxic dude I’m realizing I really need to be done and stop letting him mess with my head. He’s hot and cold. He’s verbally, mentally abusive. Doesn’t want a relationship but doesn’t want me to dress a certain way, doesn’t want me posting a certain way, is jealous of my friends. He threw stuff and at me and yelled at me at my job. He raped me three times. I accepted allll of this because I thought I “loved him” and it felt real/meaningful when he would give me the attention I wanted. But I’m trying to force myself to realize it wasn’t real, just part of the cycle so he can do worse and worse. I’m thinking of slowly backing away and then just vanishing. But idk what to do. I’ve tried to leave before but he ropes me back in and I always come back. I feel so trauma bonded to him. But I know I’ll never find what I really want if I let myself stay tied to him and I’d rather have something happy than to just keep settling for abuse.