Dreaming of my first love

I fell in love in love when I was 18 with a man in graduate school. This was a true love situation. We met through family and instantly had a bond. Nine months into dating I found out I was pregnant. It terrified me. My mom had cancer at the time and I had an internship and was moving out of state for college. He was in graduate school barely making ends meet. He proposed to me. I said no. I loved him but wanted to be young and continue on my path too of education and my future. I thought marriage and a baby would stop that. I was so stressed out and during a surgery for my mom she went unresponsive for a few minutes. My stress level was so bad I started having a miscarriage that day.

He and I had a terrible fight and he though I hadn't been taking good enough care of myself or our baby. After that fight I moved out of state. We tried to stay friends and even dated again once I was out of college. In a weird turn of events he almost became my boss when I transferred jobs at one point. We had closure and both moved on with our lives.

A few times a year I dream of him and our child. I dream of them and the ages they would be now. I never want the dream to and and always feel the grief all over again.

I'm happily married with multiple kids now. I have a perfect life and ideal marriage. I have lost babies since my first. However I only dream of my first loss and my first love.

It feels so disingenuous but it isn't in my control. Is this common? I don't want to talk to friends about this as I don't want them thinking badly about me. But this morning I woke up and just want to cry because I miss them and what could have been. It doesn't make sense because I have a good life.