My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years. Last summer I had a really bad mental health episode after some life altering family stuff. Our relationship wasn’t perfect before but it was good and happy and we were learning each others preferences and quirks. We were living together that summer and things got bad for us. I wasn’t capable of being happy and upbeat and when I felt pushed into that role I got reactive emotionally which caused huge arguments. Our conflicts were unhealthy and I take a lot of responsibility for that. So I cut my family off and went to university and basically did all that completely on my own. I did have practical help from my bf and his family which I’m very appreciative of but I was taking on all the emotions of it alone. I started getting better and more optimistic. I made friends but I just wasn’t able to fully put myself out there yet like I wish I had. But I still did well. I got grades and I did still develop a core group to hang out with. The job market sucks so I wasn’t able to get a job like I wanted to but other than that I was taking steps in the right direction. The problem came when my bf felt that I wasn’t progressing fast enough which I acknowledged is a valid problem. It’s hard to be with someone who’s struggling. The fights slowed down a lot but we would still have them. My boyfriend expected me to find a job, make friends, move past my depressive period, and become happier and independent as soon as I got away from my family and to uni. After a lifetime of issues though it took longer to undo those patterns. This particular issue kept coming up in arguments throughout the uni year. Basically a few months before the end of my year I started to see my bf pull away and not try. I tried to compensate but trying harder and occasionally it worked and there were good periods but eventually I would break and we’d have an argument again where he would admit some problem he’d be stewing on the whole time. I just stopped trusting him when he told me stuff was ok, but I couldn’t really do anything other than accept that answer. We went on vacation with his family and that’s where things went downhill fast. My great uncle has died the day before we left and I was grieving. We were going skiing and it was my first time so the first day I really struggled since my bf was trying to teach my instead of a real instructor. I accidentally crashed into my bf and we both fell and it freaked me out. All the emotions from that and the grief came out at once and I sobbed while laying on the slope. My bfs sister came over to comfort me and said having trouble the first day is normal and not to feel bad because everyone cries. She essentially strong armed my bf into taking me back to the room instead of making me go by myself. He did but didn’t provide much comfort until I essentially made him hug me. The rest of the trip continued kind of like this. I would ski with them and fall and get scared and my bf would get mad at me for having a panic attack and needing help getting up on the skis. I can admit that as the frustration built I got snappier and snappier which was wrong. Halfway through he confronted me about how I was treating him and saying that’s why he kept trying to leave me out and didn’t want me around. I tried to be better for the rest of the trip but things still weren’t right. After the trip my bf confessed that he wanted to break up with me and had just been trying to keep the peace for weeks by pretending he was just too tired for intimacy or cuddling. We stayed together because he called me the next day and cried and said he didn’t want to lose me. Things just kept going though. Right before I was set to move back in for the summer he said that he’d figured out the only way he thought the relationship could continue. That would be me working on my issues and becoming more independent by getting a job and making more friends and not living together in the future. I was hesitant at first because I hate being as long distance as we are when I’m at uni and not living with him makes me sad for all the things I’d miss. But I did come around after talking about it more, though he was still very frustrated with me for my initial reaction. Anyways I was kid a stuck living with him for this summer so we went ahead with that. I’ve been here a few weeks. Things were going great at first. But he pulled away again and got weird which caused arguments which set us back more. After the argument I completely switched my approach to out conflicts and I approach him in the most gentle way possible which has helped. But still our intimacy had not gotten better and I wasn’t feeling any feelings from him. He said he’d get better if I fixed my stuff but it didn’t. I talked to my therapist who said he seems severely avoidant and probably isn’t right for me but advised my how to communicate with him if I wanted to try. I tried being assertive and asking for me which led to him confessing he’s intentionally not trying because he doesn’t want to. He’s grieving the relationship and essentially feels like it’s not worth trying for him. I asked him why he’s stringing me along then and he said he’s not he just didn’t know what to do. It was a long talk that went in circles and essentially we got to a point where we agreed since we’re stuck together living here for the next month he’ll try to care about trying and just see how things go. So essentially pre-breakup since he said he doesn’t see how he could come to care in that time. I guess it’s nice to still have hugs and sleep in the same bed for now but I feel so stuck and unfulfilled. I guess I grieved the relationship more than I thought I had because while there are things that make me really sad to imagine missing there’s a part of me that is excited and the idea of moving on. I miss intimacy and feeling heard and loved. The pat few days have been rough because I’m really weirdly desperate for sexual intimacy but given where we are I can’t ask for it and I won’t get it. I just want to feel something like that so bad. It makes me feel crazy and kinda like the villain but I just feel like I hadn’t realized how much I longed for someone to want me while being stuck here. Anyways, idk what to do because my bf has been slowly showing for interest and affection but I just feel like Im waiting for him to give up again. I’ll talk to my therapist but does anyone here have advice? Thanks for listening to my rant!