Weepy and need to vent

I’m usually not emotional on my period but this is killing me. I have never had an easy time getting pregnant but I’ve never had a problem carrying. Well, I opened my mouth about it and feel like I jinxed it. I was so excited that we got pregnant in our first cycle of trying and then I found out at 6w5d we were having our first boy after 2 girls. I’ve always dreamed of having boys, since I was 6 years old that all I’ve ever pictured. My whole family is boys. Out of 17 cousins there are only 3 girls and my dad is the youngest of 5 boys.

The day after we found out, I miscarried. (May 18th) he was measuring a week behind but he had a heartbeat on 6w4d. I bled for about 6/7 days but then I did ovulate and the hcg was out of my system. I had two redline test that had vvvfl and then it was gone. So I think I had a chemical this month. A few days after the vvvfl I had a tiny bit of bleeding and then within 5 minutes of starting it turned brown so I thought it was implantation bleeding. It was very faint after the first 5/10 minutes but went for about 3 days and completely stopped. I thought maybe I was crazy and the vvvfl on the tests were in my head and that I would have a positive in a few days. Nope, AF came yesterday afternoon.

Since then I am having the hardest time not crying. Anytime I see a post involving 6w6d or that they just found out it’s a boy I am ready to bawl. I know logically that miscarrying early means that the chromosomes may not have lined up correctly and with him already measuring a week behind I know SOMETHING was wrong. I know that I couldn’t have ovulated later because I was tracking it and because of when I got my positive for him my ovulation was spot on. If anything I may have ovulated a tiny bit earlier because according to my tests I found out 7dpo in the pm that I was pregnant.

I took a few tests after what I thought was the implantation bleeding and they were blue dye (bought the wrong ones on accident) and got false positives on those. I got my hopes up that it would happen again right away. Now, I feel like everything from the miscarriage and all the stress I’ve been through because my dad has stopped treatment for his cancer is finally catching up to me.

The drs told him he’s down to weeks and months. He was the only person we told we were trying because for one, this next baby is going to have a first name my dad and I absolutely love along with my dads middle name Ray, and for two, we we knew even before he stopped treatment that it wasn’t looking good. We found out we were pregnant right before he decided to stop treatment and then the day he told me he was stopping was the day I had to tell him and my mom that I miscarried. My mom asked about the baby and she knew I had been bleeding but had just been told everything was fine it was “just a subchroionic hematoma” two days before.

At this point I feel like I need a couple days by myself to just to bawl my eyes out and get it out of my system but I don’t trust anyone to watch my daughters that is willing to take them at the same time and I also have an 8mo foster son that no one can handle because he does nothing but scream unless you are holding him. He’s in daycare during the week and it is slowly getting better but he’s only been with us for 2 months. His mom co-slept and said she always picked him up the second he made any noise. She’s due with another baby at the end of October beginning of November and it is already expected that she will also be placed with us due to substance abuse and domestic violence. At this point I’m terrified she will do nothing but scream if she is born substance exposed and I don’t know that I will be able to handle two screaming nonstop. I’m praying so hard that when the baby learns to walk that he will get over the screaming. Normally my stress level is very low even when the house seems to be blowing up at the seams but this last week has me feeling like it’s all imploding because of my emotions being all over the place.

We have taken advantage of respite care (baby sitting by another foster family) to try to get a couple breaks but the first time we used it the lady said she was having a family emergency and had to bring him back. I was literally carrying him inside when I miscarried my baby and couldn’t even go to the er to be checked for 4 more hours when my husband got home because it was his one Saturday a month he works. And the second time I used it, it was so I could go to a family reunion for two days at the lake because we know it will be my dad’s last one.

We also have another child with us through the week, she’s a former foster child of ours and we babysit her through the week while mom is at work. Lately, her and my oldest (she’s 10 mine is 7) have been purposely rude and snarky to each other to the point I sent them both to take a nap, yesterday, so I could get some peace while my 2yo watched Scoob. R (the 10yo) constantly refuses to eat foods that she has had before and now my 7yo (C) is constantly saying she doesn’t like this or that and is also trying to eat more because R says she needs to “eat more because my stomach is bigger than yours” and C wants to be like her. In just the last month since school has let out she has gained weight and I am trying to curb that before it becomes a problem for her like it is for R. (Obviously not R’s fault I’ve known her her entire life and it only happened when she was forced to go live with her abuser for 3 months) I’m to the point that I almost wish I wouldn’t have offered to watch her this summer. She won’t be with us next week and I am so excited for a break where I will only have my two daughters during the day but it makes me feel guilty that I am relieved over it as well because I really do love R and our 8mo H but I’m just stretched so thin emotionally, right now.

If you’ve read this far, thank you so much for letting me vent and any encouragement or advice on trying to get some relaxation or to get my emotions out NOT in front of my family, I’d appreciate it. (My husband works 7am-4pm approx and h is at daycare from 9am to 4/5pm depending on how much work/orders/designing I have to do for my small business.)