The life i always wanted......

THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG.......................... Im in search of help, suggestions, i dont.know anything right now. When i was 19 all i wanted was kids, i felt like i had to have kids and get married. I met my current partner at 19, by and 3 months before i turned 21 we had our first baby. Baby number 1 wasnt planned but i thought i had fallen pregnant because thats how my life needs to go. My partner wasnt happy i told him i was keeping the baby with or without him. So baby number 1 was born. My life became so focused with my daughter that i didnt do anything else. I didnt want anyone near her i was so protective of her the only people i trusted was my mum and my little sister, throughout my pregnancy my partner was not.nice to me and it continued i remember just 5 mins before our newborn daughter was due for a home visit we got in an argument i was crying he was calling me everything.under the sun and i had to put this brave face on for the nurse that came around to see bub i tried so hard to hide this all from.our baby but it continued. Things kinda got better by the time she was one but i still had his parents being horrible to me disrespecting me etc etc he never really stood up for me i felt like all he did was say what i.wanted to hear. When our daughter was about 20months old we got engaged that night prior we had a massive argument (this was only the 2nd time i had ever been away from my daughter) he called me so much stuff then next min we are going for a walk amd.he proposed to.me and i said yes..... idk why i yhought yep this is how its supposed to be. Time went one the fights were the same the nastiness stayed the same (i had no friends) i met a lady who i became great friends with she had a daughter the same age as my daughter (2yr old) and she had a baby girl 6m old after meeting her i started getting like it was time i had to have another baby i was so focused on having another baby. It took about 4/5months until i fell pregnant i had a 2nd baby girl in 2022. Now i have a 5yr old and a 2yr old we have a house we bought a year ago iv never been.out without my kids other than i left my oldest 3times (two times to spend a night with my partner) the 3rd time was when.i.was in hospital having baby no. 2. My life hasnt.really changed yhe fights are less but i never know when hes going to.blow up at me iv asked him.not.to.do it in front.of the girls caling me a c...nt and sll sorts of things but it still doesnt change. A week ago he went.away for work and my niece (who is 2yrs younger than me) asked me.to come.out with her so the first time.i had left my 2nd daughter and only the.4th time id been.without my eldest (other than.her being.at school) i had a great night i felt free. But i knew my partner wasnt happy about it when he got home we had a huge fight about it. He had the sh...ts with me about everythjny i went out without him after him always asking to.go.out with me wothout the kids (i never want to becuase all our previousnights out i had been yelled at sworn at etc etc) i told him.and then it was back ti the im so sorry i dont mean to i know i can be horrible blah blah blah. We nearly broke uo and i was like wow i felt okay about it but then i realised i had nothing i dont work my kids dont.know life without me they wont go.to.bed.woth him they wont do anythjng with him Hes not the best with our girls either and it makes me sad. But now a week after my night out im stuck thinking iv got the kids i.wanted and im.engaged but i want freedom i want someone to really be in to me i want to be so into someone else. I WISH i would have walked away the night he asked me to.be his gf which b4 he asked me to be his girlfriendwe had a fight then we layed in bed and.hes.like im so sorry blah blah blah will u be my.girl snd stupid me said yes i love my house i love my kids but i just feel like my lufe is a robot i dont want to work i dont want to be home and.clean but i really feel like im failing and im falling away from myself i just dont know what to do.anymore I just turned 26 and im living the.life i thought.i.wanted but i thought the person i didd this with would be inlove with me just be loving with me out kids everythint. Everythiny i.do is always im just doing it all my own way i choose everything we do (which is not true) im.always stupid a b it ch im a c..nt but i cant leave because my kid'sand i have nothing and im worried what will happened.to my kids he doesnt know hiw to look after them he cant calm.them down no comforting or anything idk what to do!!!! (To add in my famiky a think hes great and he works for police and army) dont get mr wrong i appreciate that he goes to work and pays for our home and bills and things we need. Maybe im just being pathetic..