Talking to a therapist

I have never been to see a therapist but I was diagnosed with bipolar depression years and years ago by my pcp. I was prescribed something but never took it. I think I really want to see a therapist or whomever I need to see but I’m scared they’ll tell me to take meds.. (I’ve been against taking pills because I don’t want to depend on something like that so I try to cope with it different ways) but these last few years have been really bad on my mental. I cry every single day and think about dying. I get so angry over the smallest things and start crying. I’m tired of feeling this way. Literally anything can trigger me crying. I start crying over one thing and then I’m crying because I want to die or whatever else I’m sad about. I feel like I just need someone to talk to to make me feel better. I usually write things down but I don’t want someone finding my journal and reading it. I have really dark thoughts sometimes. But I also don’t want to throw the pages away for some reason.

I don’t know where else to post this so sorry for posting it here. I’m a SAHM and I’m sure other moms feel the same way so I figured it would be okay