I have always been a natural birth advocate, as my first birth was absolutely traumatic and awful due to me trying to get an epidural and thinking I'd be pain free... and it not working. I have a condition that makes me incredibly resistant to any pain medication and it just didnt work and i spent the whole time panicking and screaming. I wanted to die. Anyways. This was my second full term live birth and I'd hired a doula, meditated and done everything i could to prepare myself for what i thought was a natural birth. But i ended up having pitocin due to labor stalling for 6 hrs. I coped okay until I'd been at full dose pitocin for about 3 hrs. I was struggling and i couldn't stand up anymore without passing out but laying/sitting made the contractions unbearable. I felt like i was ripping in half. My nurse and doula said I'd already lost my natural birth and there was no harm in trying to see if epidural would help. I had to wait an hr and when they finally did it, it only took the edge off. I could still walk, feel sharp pains and pee on my own. The anesthesiologist said most people would have been dosed enough for a c section and would be completely unable to feel anything at all or even lift a leg at this point and he was amazed. I got up and honestly i was really happy and pleased that it only took the edge off. I continued to labor and breathe through contractions and even experienced the ring of fire. So i felt like I'd experienced the whole deal and felt proud and happy. Until today. I realized anytime someone asks, I'll have to say i had the epidural and they'll think i just laid there not feeling anything. One person even said that i should "not talk" until I've pushed a baby out with no pain meds.... but i was in so much pain? And then my SO said i only cried and yelled "it burns" and etc, instead of screaming... bc i had the epidural. It broke my heart. I know it's elitist and stupid. But i felt so strong and like such a bad ass and now i just realized no one else thinks that. I feel defeated and ashamed... i pushed her out less than an hour after i got the epidural...now i wish i hadnt got it at all. All i had to power through was one more hour of slightly worse contractions and I'd be able to say i had no pain meds. Now I'm pumping and bottle feeding my breastmilk in between nursings because my breats hurt so bad... and i just feel like im failing at everything. 😳😔