Was told that in order to be married I have to earn it…which I feel is toxic in a sense? I’m going on 29 and have been single for shy of 2 years since my late fiancé’s passing and worry I’ll never find anyone again. I’ve lost grandparents and my little brother a few years before my fiancé, so when that happened I honestly was angry with God and sometimes still am for many reasons asking why me?? Like why can’t I get a break? Was even told a few months after his passing from a lady at my old church that it was “Gods plan and that I may just never be married” and to this day it’s still in the back of my mind. I know no where in the Bible it states we are promised marriage, and tbh I’m at a point I worry it’s not going to happen for me? I also know it’s not good for man to be alone also. I’ve tried dating here and there and keep getting my time wasted by guys with either bad intentions or guys who claim to be Christians but are the guys at church who are single for a reason 😳 (example, closeted porn addiction). I know God knows the desires of our hearts and I struggle with my faith at times. I haven’t been motivated to go to church since like late summer? Nor have I found a home church again either since his passing. I am human and have flaws and sin, of course I feel guilt and shame and know I can do and be better but don’t? I recently confided in a close friend and they were quick to tell me that because I’m not doing enough by not actively being in church, reading my Bible daily, etc. and basically not “sinless” God is purposefully keeping me single and won’t send me a husband until I prove myself to Him then I’ll be worthy…and if that’s the case I’m out as that seems extremely exhausting to be bending over backwards and jumping through hoops in hopes I’ll be picked. Because every Christian couple I know in person or see on social media I automatically assume they’re better and proved to God that they were perfect and deserving and for that God blessed and favors them more because they’re better and are real Christians. I know that sounds silly, but that’s all I can think of and seem to believe and compare myself to because why was it that I thought God finally brought me my husband when I least expected and prayed for and I was so thankful and happy to have a future and it suddenly get taken, and watch everyone else around me get the one thing I want so badly. If I’m being blunt, behind closed it makes me cry. I try to be happy for others but get envious of the cookie cutter Christian church mouse girls, as that seems to be the type God always blesses in many areas. Feel like I am Gods punching bag and being kept down and punished because I’m not doing enough, and trying to start over and move forward in life and to meet someone isn’t an option, because no matter what nothing happens. Tired of being told “all you need is Jesus” or “be content in your singleness” like that doesn’t make me feel good or better about myself. Especially coming from a married person.