Need help before baby gets here

Asking in this group for advice and just a safe place to rant

This is gonna be a long story but please stick with me. I got diagnosed with OCD about 2 1/2 years ago when I got diagnosed with ARFID (a hard complex to explain but it’s an eating disorder that stems from the sensory around food). I have suspected to be on the spectrum because of ARFID and my sensory issues. I have never been evaluated or formally diagnosed. I have been on Zoloft (Sertraline) since April and am currently 31 weeks pregnant (ftm). I say this so you can get an idea of what’s been going on.

Here’s what I need advice with- in the best way possible:

How do I stop “being me”?

I have such an amazing and wonderful husband. I genuinely can’t believe I got so lucky. With that being said, I know I’m the problem and I don’t know how to fix it. I am not a physical touch person as of recently and that’s his love language. I can’t deal with random and unnecessary noises. I get upset when things aren’t where they’re supposed to be…the list goes on. Since being pregnant my OCD has gotten SOOO much worse. It’s getting to a point where he can’t do anything without being “mothered” or controlled by me and I know that’s NOT okay.

I’ve started so many “fights” where I just tell him what he’s doing is wrong, how he is acting is wrong, how what he is saying is wrong. He knows it’s my OCD and he has never been unkind or unloving towards me during any of this.

Lately it’s been so hard on our relationship because I won’t realize what I’m doing until it’s over and done. When I get upset he gets quiet, lets me have my moment, apologizes and loves me like I didn’t just overreact about something so dumb. I got mad and upset when he wanted to cook me dinner and let me rest and ended up burning the chicken and I cried because he ruined it and I didn’t “trust” the chicken or when we were making brownies together and he used too much oil and I freaked out over how they would turn out/taste. I had him pull over on the side of the road because I had a panic attack that he needed to swap and let me drive because I was convinced something bad was going to happen if I didn’t drive. I won’t let him do laundry because he doesn’t fold the clothes the “right” way. One day we were hanging up clothes together and he hung up his shirts the “wrong” way and without prompt or me saying anything he could tell by the look on my face that he had messed up. He took me to the living room and told me to rest and took the shirts down and redid them. I won’t let him mop because he doesn’t put the right amount of soap and doesn’t go in the same path I do. The dishwasher wasn’t loaded right so I had to reorganize and do it again. If he makes any noise,singing,hums or taps I’ll immediately tell him to stop. These are just SOME circumstances within the last week or 2 where I freak out. Now he knows me by now, and some of these things I’ve worked on with a therapist when I first got diagnosed and hasn’t shown up in my relationship until now. He doesn’t know how to navigate this because it’s something that has never been this bad. And I’m not sure how to stop “being me” when the world feels like it’s ending if he hums or if he folds laundry a different way. I need to control my reactions and stop controlling him but I don’t know HOW. I don’t even notice my tone or words until I think back on it being like wow she needs to stop overreacting. I feel so overwhelmingly guilty by the end of everyday and I start pulling away from him because I know this isn’t who I want to be. He has told me he feels like he can’t do anything right. I feel so defeated because he’s genuinely the best thing to happen to me and yet recently I feel like all I’ve done is make him upset.

I’m done with the excuse of “it’s my OCD” or “pregnancy hormones”. The overly obsessing on things is ruining my mental health and relationship. It really is a mind of “my way or the highway” because I feel like I’m going to die if it’s not done “my way” because it’s the “right way” and something bad is going to happen if it’s not done right. He understands, he listens and he’s so so good to me BUT I also know he still gets hurt. He still feels controlled and recently like he’s walking on eggshells.

I’ve been trying to get into therapy since my insurance was changed at the beginning of the year and I’ve had no luck. Every place is either not accepting clients or doesn’t take my insurance. I feel stuck. I’m so scared when babygirl gets here that it’s only going to get 100x worse than it is now. I want to fix this before she is here. I don’t want to be telling him he can’t hold her a certain way or he can’t touch her clothes or change her diaper or wash her bottles. I’m so scared OCD is going to take over my life. I need to get it under control before she gets here.

Could I talk to my OB about this? Will she listen or just up my dosage and pass by it? I don’t even feel like the Zoloft is even helping anymore. Advice if anyone else struggles with it? How do I go about managing my reactions vs circumstance? Has anyone’s mental diagnoses gotten worse/changed after they got pregnant?

I genuinely just want to be the person I used to be. I love my husband with all of my heart. Literally any advice is appreciated. I don’t know where or who to go to at this point.