Was I wrong for not visiting my mom?

My parents routinely brought this up and it just seems like it’s time to let it go, but I’m wondering if I really did something very horrible. A similar situation is happening now and I’m wondering how differently I should handle it. For background my mom was physically abusive to me and I ‘escaped’ from her insanity about 6 months ago.

I got engaged in Spring 2020, and that summer (so early Covid days) I was a state employee and was asked to work at a Covid test site which soon became a vaccine site. This was 1.5 hours from my house and the hours were 6am-6pm so I was out of my house from 430am-730pm. It was at least 5 days/week, sometimes more. I was so exhausted that I started to lose my vision in 1 eye, that went away as soon as I stopped working those hours. My husband and I also had a small farm, multiple rental properties, there was just a lot going on.

My mom was making my wedding planning an absolute nightmare, she would call me and scream at me bringing up things from before I was even born (issues with my biological dad), sit my husband and I down for hours long discussions about why our wedding planning was selfish, etc. The issue for her was that we wanted a small wedding with only our families (25ish people) and my sister was having a huge $100k+ wedding that fall and we were planning on our small wedding being around that time as well, because I was told I have fertility issues and may not be able to become pregnant so we wanted to move things along quickly. I don’t even know why I entertained her opinions and these conversations but I was just terrified of upsetting her because she would unleash this rage that left me emotionally decimated for days or weeks at a time (I’m in therapy now and feel a lot better). Since our wedding was small we didn’t need any money for it from her and needed very little input from my parents, but I did let them invite some of their friends after enough arguing (it was super awkward and I hated it) and tried to entertain these conversations because they’re my parents.

July 2020 my mom went in for a routine surgery and I guess because she’s in absolutely terrible shape due to never exercising and eating junk food every day plus whatever error the doctor may have made, it turned into a near-death experience and she had to be in the hospital for 2ish weeks and after she went home she had to go back for another week. Lots of tests, infections, resulting in her being discharged ‘healthy’ and she went back to her normal life.

This was the height of my work at the Covid site and I was partly in charge of managing the site. The hospital she was it was an hour away from my house, the opposite direction as the test site. I got coverage and visited my mom a 2 or 3 times the first week she was in the hospital. This was during the heat of the screaming episodes she had at me so I felt really uncomfortable but pretended to be a good daughter and brought her everything I could, I shopped for her favorite stuff and made delivered to her some self care packages, sat with her, did her hair, did her nails and left her fancy lotions my MIL gave to me, she’d text me when I was a few minutes from the hospital asking me to pick her up some smoothies or sandwiches from a place in the next town over and I’d just do it. When she went home I brought her healthy ready to eat groceries and homemade food that rotted in their refrigerator, while they asked for more. My stepdad was fully available this whole time and I cooked and brought him food too.

My mom would complain that I wasn’t involving her in my wedding plans enough while in the hospital. That was something I didn’t want to discuss with her bc of how stressful the conversations were, I tried to tell her we can talk about it later, but she got really upset and so I gave in and updated her on the progress. Immediately it turned into a fight and she screamed and cried at me. My stepdad called me and absolutely eviscerated me for ‘doing this’ to my mom. I was in shock and didn’t visit her for about a week after that.

A few months after her hospital situation, the calls started coming where she’d cry on the phone about how I never visited her at the hospital, I abandoned her, I’m horrible and selfish, etc. She got her medical records and read through them to try and make a lawsuit which never happened and apparently the only thing she saw in the records was that I was never visiting.

Yes, I could have visited more. But how much more? I wonder what was actually expected of me? I have a life, I was going into a panic freeze mode when I thought of her and completely shut down when I saw her. I was trying my best to balance everything. But now this situation is brought up and I don’t know what to think about it. Now my grandma is in the hospital and it’s turning into the same situation and I don’t know what to do or think.