Wondering how I can feel better or if this is just normal

After intense therapy for a year I have finally gotten a hold of my symptoms of depression and anxiety for the most part. I have ‘resources’ I can use to regulate my nervous system, I’m taking Lexapro which helps a lot, I learned to actually have boundaries and removed a few people from my life which has made space for real friends and hobbies.

But here’s my issue. I have 2 kids (2 years old and 6 months old) and I feel like since my 2nd was born, I’m just completely dissociating?? I look back at pictures and it seems like I’m looking at someone else. I truly can’t believe my baby is 6 months old because I don’t feel like I’ve been here for the last 6 months of that makes sense. I’m a stay at home mom and when my husband is home or I have a babysitter or other help here I’m really scared of when I’ll be alone with the kids again, thinking I won’t be able to handle them. But when they’re up and it’s just me and them I do a great job- I take them shopping, to the library, we have playdates, etc.

But it feels like my life is a roller coaster car zooming down the tracks and I’m on it but closing my eyes and dissociating, and when I ground myself and make myself realize I’m a mom, I have 2 kids, a house, etc. I feel like I’ve opened my eyes on the roller coaster and it’s terrifying to look around bc I feel like I’ll fall off or faint or something.

My sleep is okay, I’m up 1-2 times/night but just for 10 mins and then generally sleep from 10pm-630am.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom and it’s my favorite ‘job’ so far, so I don’t think going back to work would help. I have my professional engineering license and got it right before quitting to raise my kids but I guess that also freaks me out because for my whole life until 27 years old my whole goal was to get that license, then I got it and haven’t used it for even a minute. Sometimes I think maybe I’m actually miserable deep down and just denying it because this is what I feel I should be doing with my life.

I know this sounds crazy but can anyone relate? How can I be more present so I don’t look back and not have memories of this time?