Reflecting on the childhood I should have had

I’m reading a book about parenting and how it’s important for parents to be involved and interested in their kids lives. It made me think about how I’d come home from school on days that I didn’t have a sport or activity, from 1st grade all the way through high school, get dropped off at the bus stop, walk home alone or with my neighbor, unlock the door myself and get myself a snack and watch tv while I ate, then start my homework by myself at the counter. I don’t think my mom was home until later (5pm?) despite being a school teacher on the same schedule as me. She made me do before-school activities, after school activities, during every season and every year so I was out of the house from 6am-6pm. On mornings I couldn’t leave early she sent me to the neighbors where that mom did crafts with me and her son. On weekends she sent me away with random family friends to tag along on their outings. I know teachers work hard but where was she? Don’t some parents choose teaching in order to be on the same schedule as their kids? She told us how some teachers left right at dismissal to go home to their families and she judged them for it. Then when my mom got home she’d shoo me out of the kitchen and tell me not to do my schoolwork at the kitchen counter anymore, but there was plenty of other counter space for her to use. She used her laptop at the counter but I guess I wasn’t allowed? She told me to only do homework at my desk in my room. And the thing was, my stepdad was home most of the time when I got home, in the basement in his office ‘working’. I’m sure he was doing some work down there, but he worked doing construction takeoffs from home so surely he could’ve stopped for a half hour when I got home to make me a snack and sit and eat with me and talk about my day. To be interested in me just a little. I always thought I had a good childhood (other than my mom’s abuse lol) but reading this book and reflecting on how uninvolved my parents were is just heartbreaking. It would have taken such little effort for them to make me feel important and loved.

Now that I’m a mom of a toddler I can see how easy it is to just give him attention. Preparing his breakfast with fruit, a drink, pancakes or cereal and sitting with him while he eats, instead of toasting a piece of bread and throwing it at him while he runs around and plays by himself. I can see how the latter is easier and seems sufficient, but taking the time to just be with him is so much more fulfilling for him and me. I remember my friend in high school saying her mom made her a cup of tea with toast and they ate together before her bus came and I was just 🤯 that someone my age could actually sit for a few minutes with their parent and have breakfast instead of taking a granola bar on the bus like I did.