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I need advice ... Venting
Sorry this is so long but some of it is venting and the other i just provided details so you can know what's happening.
I was a newcomer to my job and I really connected with this one guy in particular. We became friends. He was charming, respectable, funny, we became lunch partners, and he would always look out for me if I needed anything. He cherished me and still does. He would give me advice on my relationship that had recently ended at the time and I'd give him advice on the relationship he hated being in. He always supports me when I have something going on. We created a strong bond and he became a great friend. I started liking him just a little bit but thought nothing of it because I was still in love with my ex.
Fast forward months later, we were all drunk at this event, and this girl that had been flirting with him was flirting with him again. I'm bold when I drink so I asked him who he wanted to be with, me or her? he said me no hesitation. We left the event, we made passionate love, I got pregnant and we started this relationship. . He's been rocking with me every step of the way. I miscarried twice in the three years we've been together and we were both devestated. We do so much together. His friends think I'm great and he tells me how much I make him a better man.
He's good to me and tells me all this bull shit about wanting to marry me, and he can't wait to be with me and spend his life with me. It sounds good but the reason I call it bull shit is because he's still with the girl that he claims he doesn't want to be with. 3 years being with me and he's still saying he feels trapped with her because of kids. He says he loves his kids but hates that he had kids with her. In the beginning I believed him and wanted to give him time. But now, it secretly makes me angry and I don't know how to tell him that without feeling like a selfish bitch.
Everything between US is great except for that. I'm not a homewrecker. The only reason we got involved is because he didn't want to be with her. But in my opinion, Nobody stays with somebody this long just because of children. Especially if they aren't married. He said he's waiting for them to break up because he doesn't want to be put on child support if she finds out he left her for somebody else. That sounds like foolishness. I want to believe him. I want to be patient, but I can't help but question his intentions about what he expects from me when he asks me to be patient with him. She started questioning him about me, playing on my phone, and stalking my FB page. She keeps using their kids as leverage, and then occasionally puts herself in these silly situations to try to make him come home faster. If he really didn't want to be with her, why not tell her the truth so she can stop the shanagins, right? I know he has to lie to her about his whereabouts. Anyway she doesn't phase me because I have no problem w/ her. I don't even know her nor do I think women should fued with each other because of a guy.
Anyway, I recently left him alone because I couldn't take the secret tears, the lies, the lonely nights and constant worrying and feeling worthless for being in this position. It's hard because he treats me so good but I told him I deserve more and fell back off of him. Then for several weeks it was "I miss you, I need you back, I love you, I'm sorry, I can't live without you, I know what I have to do." Yady ya. He was Leaving me all types of messages. Coming to work looking pitiful. Saying he can't sleep. So I started hanging out with him for lunch. Then his birthday came and my silly little heart gave in and things between us went back to normal. It feels so good to be with him but I'm secretly pissed because nothing has changed. I didn't expect things to go back to normal if he was still with her. I feel like such a fool. We spent the day together yesterday and fell asleep but then in the middle of night, he went home. I'm reminded once again why I wanted to leave him alone in the first place.
I just want my life to be mine again. I want him to want me and only me but apparently he doesn't understand that. I feel angry with him and myself for being back in this situation. I know he loves me and cares for me and wants me to be in his life, but he feels obligated to her. I don't want to be with somebody that feels obligated to somebody else.. I really want to be with him, but it's too much. On the other hand, Its so hard to leave someone I really love and want to be with. He's become my best friend, and I have to see him every single day. It tears my heart apart.
Everybody says I'll be ok if I meet someone else but I absolutely suck at meeting people. Especially people I'm interested in that's interested in me.. I don't want to meet anybody else. Dating is hella awkward and where the hell am I supposed to meet people?? Plus all I can think about is him. That's not fair to anybody else.
A part of me says be patient and he'll come around, but the other part says Im going to end up hurt and I need to move on. I know for a fact that he honestly loves me and I don't take that away from him but I just wish he knew how bad this hurts and how much I truly loved him so he could make the choice to leave me alone or be with me.