I'm going to force myslef to have sex tomorrow?

I am not doing so well...

I was raped and sexually assaulted by my ex last year. He was also abusive.

He raped me on my birthday and I had a misscarrrige in April. I never told him because I broke up with him.

I have had two physiatrist hospital visits since then for suicide attempts and cutting, along with severe depression.

I am 18 right now, but am still having a horrible time.

I am in therapy and group therapy, on antidepressants. I journal and paint to ease my mind. I cry, I feel the urge to cut again (2 months clean), but I go to sleep instead. I hate myself so much. It didn't help that when I reported the rape to the school cop last year, he told me that I was "attention seeking" for telling anyone and that I "told him to start a relationship with him (the cop). I reported the cop and he got suspended from his job for a couple days, but it just made me feel like shit.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am really trying, but I have been crossing so oceans lately to teach peope lessons. I reported my ex so he wouldn't rape anyone else. I reported the school cop so that he would learn to not treat rape cases as a blind date.

I stand up for myself a lot, but it is so difficult at times.

Any tips on how to not self harm and recover from depression?

I just want to be a normal human..

More than any question I have is when will I want to have sex? I look at guys and think "Damn he is super hot, I'd totally sleep with him." But I know I would never be able to. I am just not ready and my rape was over a year ago.

I start college in fall and I want to kind of be ready. I'm thinking of just forcing myself to have sex or just tell the guy to go at it while I lay on my back until I actually want to?

I am just so scared and I feem so stupid for not being ready after my rape. It was over a year ago, shouldn't I be ready by now!?!