I'm 32. All of our tests were "normal". My husband and I have been trying for 18 months and this was our 19th. This past month I gave up in my heart. I got my period on Xmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">eve</a> and said "screw it. Im done. Go somewhere else, baby. Choose someone else. Ur loss. If ur gonna make this so hard I don't want u then either." I didn't even cry as I had a thousand times before. I meant it. And I had an awesome Xmas being an auntie. I still worried "did I blow it somewhere? Should I have done this? Should I have done that?" I still dutifully took my supplements and herbs (they make me feel good), I still tracked my temp (which is the only thing I used glow for this month, didn't do any of the other checks) we had sex when I thought we were supposed to and one night I "dressed up" for my husband before he got home from work (all normal) but I gave up believing. I ate things I'd forbade before, I drank wine, I smoked a little pot, and basically resolved to have more fun in 2016. We started booking a trip to Europe in the spring to just celebrate how lucky we are to have each other. Yesterday I peed on my last stick. I was going in for acupuncture in a couple hrs after a yoga class and she usually asks where I am in my cycle, have I tested, etc? So wanted to get it out of the way. Every test before has been undoubtedly NEGATIVE. Almost like some yelling at me "NOPE!!!! Hahahaha not u, idiot!!" Wtf was this?! Called the husband who was like "naaaaa ur seeing stuff". Sent him picture. "Wow that's not nothing." Went to yoga. Still thought it was impossible. I'll test again at acupuncture. Tested. Positive. Acupuncturist screamed. Listen, community. I'm still not sure this is real. I'm writing this from bed the first morning I've woken up pregnant. I think. Im scared its chemical. I'm scared I'm gonna lose it. I'm scared I'm NOT gonna lose it. You try for so long and you forget what you're trying for. For 18 months I was READY. I gave up in my heart and now my heart is resistant to budge. Husband feels the same way. We thought we were carrying some of this infertility burden for other people we love. That maybe they wouldn't ever have to carry it. Ever know what it's like to be a part of this beautiful, horrible, wonderful, awful infertility club. We were the statistic and they were all "normal". So as long as I'm still pregnant, I'll carry THIS in my heart for you guys. For all of us. It'll be waiting for you when you get yours. Infertility has forever changed me. I'll never be the same. I'll share any info you want but this feels like all there is to know: we are in control of NOTHING in this life. And YOU, you reading this? You are doing everything right.