How did you handle wanting a baby when your SO didn't?

So I've had baby fever for over a year now. I tried many things to stop thinking about it and I just can't! The longest was probably a few days and now I just can't stop talking about it.. What made me start talking about it again was when my SO bought it up but he doesn't want it. I guess I kinda feel rejected by it,I feel as he doesn't want a future with me because he messes with my feelings so much.. One day I was using his phone and porn popped up in the history.. I wasn't quite pleased because he always told me he never watches it so I was upset about the lying part. That night he tell's me he does want a family with me but we can't right now(he's becoming a police officer so there's a process) and now apparently he isn't ready and don't want it right now after he told me he did,he said he thought it meant that he wanted it in the future. I'm sorry but I need to state that he knows what I meant,I know he said it because I was upset at him and he knew it was what I wanted to hear. I don't think he realizes he can't be messing up my mind like that,how much it hurts me emotionally.. When I talk about it he will say I keep repeating myself,I told him well it's how I feel and I wanna express it.. I'll say things to see what he'll reply with and he'll agree with me just to know it'll upset me. I'm just fed up and he think's it's silly when I'm upset about it,yes it causes arguments but I don't think anyone can relate to these feelings unless they have baby fever.. He said we can TTC next June when the process is over IF he gets into a job but I don't even know. I can't see it with him and don't know if it'll ever happen because he messes with my mind so much.. Everyday I feel like I got a weight on my shoulders because I want this so bad and the only time it went was when he told me he was ready for a family but we couldn't yet and now it's all back.,I want him to want it too! I want him to talk about it with me and I would be fine. I explained to him that if I talk about it he can just say he can't wait too instead of ignoring me. That would make me happy and I wouldn't feel the need to go on and on and I go on and on because I never get what I wanna hear. I want a family with him and a life with him. I've been with him 3 1/2 years and he's such a child to me. I respect that he wants to wait due to his reasons,but he makes my feelings worse by messing with my mind. How do you handle wanting a baby with your SO doesn't??
Please no judgement. I just needed to vent because feeling like this for so long isn't doing me any good and kinda straining our relationship. I try to stop talking about it but my mouth won't stop.. I just want to pretend like I don't want it and maybe I'll end up not thinking about it.. 2 weekends ago I smoked weed with my sister and he wasn't happy with it and don't want me to do it anymore. He'll be asked in his polygraph test if he's around anyone who smokes drugs but why can't I do what I want if I can't have what I want?! Why can't I enjoy having a joint that makes me laugh and not think of having a family. There's no problem with drinking I just don't like too,it makes me sick.. I should be able to do it if I can't expect anything about a future with him.. 😢