I don’t think I am ever “falling in love”.

Well, I am 21 y/o, have never had a boyfriend or even been kissed. This wasn’t an issue until a while ago when I realize what I have missed by not been in a relationship before, that innocent spark, nonsense “I can’t stop thinking about you”, having somebody that makes me feel special… let’s say, different kind of special.

Younger me never thought I needed “a couple” or that I was incomplete in anyway, and still don’t think so, but as I get older I feel like this is an aspect I may need to explore.

People find you weird for not been willing to date or showing any interest on having a partner. Outer pressure it’s not a motivator for me, I don’t really care what others are doing or saying about me but at the same time I WONDER.. it’s like everybody is living this, been part of something I haven’t done and I may want to experience, but why?

I come and go into these two positions: 1) I don’t want to have a relationship, I DON’T NEED ANOTHER PERSON TO BE HAPPY! (I truly believe this!), 2) I wish I could just live the experience and get over it, but (been rational) I know that isn’t the right reason to be with somebody.

The explanation I give to myself now it’s that I am still young (even when I feel years are going by so fast T_T) and I don’t want to “grow up” with somebody, I want to have more figure out in my life, accomplish several personal goals and then I feel I will deserve to have a relationship. I don’t want to rush it and end up settling with somebody just because “it’s what it’s supposed to happen”, that would make me so unhappy but at the same time I don’t want to “lose the chance”, “young years”, “innocent spark”, not live the fun of what been in love it’s all about.. I mean, what if later in life I am like “ok, I don’t have much time to date.. I need to settle”.

I don’t open myself to people romantically because I just don’t trust or think that the other person is enough, don’t get the wrong idea, I am not looking for princess charming.. I just hope for that feeling of “I know this person is someone worth it” but honestly I don’t picture who that person may be. Or keep thinking “I am not ready” but will I ever be?

Maybe I am over thinking it and that’s the problem, I needed to write down these vague thoughts somewhere to have a future reference, for either if I end up finding somebody I truly love or I don’t.. this probably would give peace of mind.

Edit: Thanks, Kelli ;)